Two thousand and nine was a banner year for the Internet, if that banner is covered in ads for car insurance and home mortgage refinancing, “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward” stickers and shitstains from the Twitter bird. What better way to remember the ups and downs and spam e-mails trying to enlarge my penis that my dad forwards me than with the First Annual NBNnnys? I’d like to thank all those who helped me narrow down the hundreds of NBN features to these winners: my Ouija board, a bottle of Percocet and my magic 8-ball.
Best Internet-Only Late-Night Talk Show Spoof with Zach Galifianakis and Two Ferns
Zach Galifianakis’ rise to fame is a result of The Hangover, his sense of humor and beard, but mostly his last name. Name something else that resembles “Galif.” Galileo? Gall bladder? California with a typo? Type the first five letters and Google knows exactly what you’re talking about. “Between Two Ferns” has flown under the radar, but with hilariously awkward interviews and only seven episodes, there’s no reason to not watch. Unless you like Jay Leno, in which case: I hope your home catches fire.
Best Way to Remember Michael Jackson (Aug. 29, 1958 – HE WILL LIVE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS)
Celebrities die all the time, but the cluster of A-list death in the summer marked 2009 as one for the ages in People’s obit section. Ed McMahon died. Billy Mays died. Did you know Farrah Fawcett died? Probably not because her heart chose Aug. 29 to toss in the towel, and we all know what happened on that day—the music was silenced, the needle came off the record, crotch grab, etc. But MJ lives forever (*kisses two fingers, points to sky*), his iconic move carried ad nauseum at Eternal Moonwalk.
Best Proof of America’s Obesity Problem
Starting in around September, I started seeing a lot of “Get Ripped in Four Weeks” ads all over the porn news sites I frequent. At first I was angry that people were making money off BS weight loss schemes, but then I remembered that I live in a country where the medium drink size at McDonald’s is more than two and a half glasses. When America eats itself to death, This Is Why You’re Fat will serve as a digital photo history book of our demise.
Most Neverending LOL
Why is hearing broken English so funny? I don’t know, maybe because we have people coming from overseas saying things like “I go New York City,” yet we can’t teach our youth that sending an e-mail saying “I want 2 get this job ill work hard 4 u” to an employer makes it sound like they didn’t graduate middle school. Translation Party’s premise—translating phrases back and forth from English to Japanese—is so funny it hurts, partially because it’s just funny and partially because I’ve read intern writing that sounded worse.
Most Convincing Reason to Buy a Huge House and Fill it with Animals
The two best cures for depression are puppies and a bottle of over-the-counter pills (over-the-counter in that I reach over the counter and take them). But wouldn’t you know it, animal shelters don’t let you inside when you’re stumbling over the lines in a parking lot and foaming at the mouth. Have A Beagle And Carry On has pages and pages of adorable puppies doing pretty much anything. It really pulls on the heart strings.
Best UHHHHHH MEGAN FOX
She wakes up in black lingerie. She puts on a sexy champagne-colored bathing suit and walks around a pool drinking a bottle of Miller Lite. She barbecues some chicken and bites into an empanada. She stands in front of a mirror in a black dress and licks her lips. God I need to move to California. Is that where she lives? What’s her address?
Best Way to Survive Winter
I haven’t read a book since elementary school, and I know I’m not alone in that regard. So there’s no way people are buying Snuggies to keep warm while they curl up with a good book. But to have sex? Now there’s a market segment with expendable income. The Snuggie Sutra is what God intended when he took a blanket and shirt and fed them Viagra.
Best Trailer for Movie that was Actually Awesome (tie)
There probably weren’t two more disparate movies released this year than Inglorious Basterds and Where The Wild Things Are. One full of angry Jews relentlessly murdering Nazis, the other of tall furry creatures in a fantasy land. But both had excellent trailers and followed them up with movies that actually delivered. Imagine if the Wild Things story was actually a metaphor for the Basterds hunting through Germany! Mind=blown.
Best Trailer for Movie that was an Insult to Life
How hard do you think the Mayans are laughing right now? Sitting in a spaceship with aliens, drinking Crystal Pepsi and talking about how they duped mankind that it was Game Over in 2012. That after thousands of years, after man invented the telephone and sent people to outer space, he could still be conned into believing a bunch of primitive cavemen who threw their shit at each other could predict the end of the world. Starring John Cusack.
Best Trailer for Movie I Didn’t See But Heard Was Awesome and I Can’t Think For Myself So Let’s Just Say Is Awesome
It’s plain un-American to see something with George Clooney and not wet your pants with glee. I’ll buy any magazine he’s on the cover of, donate to any charity he mentions and eat anything he throws in his trash (from the garbage—I’ve got an in at the sanitation department). Up in the Air not only has tons of gray-haired Clooney, but has every movie critic pulling out their best $10 words for a chance to quoted on the film’s poster. Here’s mine: “Clooney’s so good you’ll need to wear a condom to the theater!”