Articles Tagged ‘Black Dynamite’
Two thousand and nine was a banner year for the Internet, if that banner is covered in ads for car insurance and home mortgage refinancing, “Team Jacob” and “Team Edward” stickers and shitstains from the Twitter bird. What better way to remember the ups and downs and spam e-mails trying to enlarge my penis that my dad forwards me than with the First Annual NBNnnys? I’d like to thank all those who helped me narrow down the hundreds of NBN features to these winners: my Ouija board, a bottle of Percocet and my magic 8-ball.
Most people would look at me and say, “Wow Brad. You’ve got it all. Great looks. An amazing personality. One of the funniest columns in the history of written word. And a horrible really well-paying job.” And I’d look at them and say, “Don’t ever make eye contact with me.” But after that, I’d explain that while I’m really grateful for the upbringing I got, it never fit me. I may have been born on Long Island in the 1980s, but I belong somewhere else. Namely, a 1970s ghetto filled with bedazzled-suits, wonderful hair and wide knowledge of karate. I’m talking of course, about (*deep breath*) BLACK DINOOOO MITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know what stories are the best to listen to? Marriage proposals. Man, I LOVE hearing them SO MUCH. Really? You had the waiter put the ring inside a piece of cake! No way! Aw man, and don’t tell me she bit into the cake? Ha ha, that’s a great story. What’s that? No no, these aren’t cyanide pills I’m swallowing. They’re just vitamins; go on! Really? You got down on one knee right there? In the restaurant? That’s so romantic bro! Real quick interruption—do you know if it’s possible to choke yourself? Just wondering. Sorry, keep going; I LOVE this story! She said YES?! Dude, so fantastic! One sec though—just pull this end of the noose for me?