Do you know what stories are the best to listen to? Marriage proposals. Man, I LOVE hearing them SO MUCH. Really? You had the waiter put the ring inside a piece of cake! No way! Aw man, and don’t tell me she bit into the cake? Ha ha, that’s a great story. What’s that? No no, these aren’t cyanide pills I’m swallowing. They’re just vitamins; go on! Really? You got down on one knee right there? In the restaurant? That’s so romantic bro! Real quick interruption—do you know if it’s possible to choke yourself? Just wondering. Sorry, keep going; I LOVE this story! She said YES?! Dude, so fantastic! One sec though—just pull this end of the noose for me? Thanks man. Breakup stories are way better, and you can’t beat using telephone polls to break the news. Jennifer (the girl being dumped) must have been appalled, and honestly I am too—she gets SIX days to move out? How long does it take to throw her crap out the window? Down an elevator shaft? Onto eBay?
In case you missed page two (jerk), there’s a picture of Mariah Carey at some event plugging the new movie she’s in, Precious, along with a photo of her in the movie. It’s worth noting because, well, she was in Glitter, and that thing bombed worse than Nagasaki and Hiroshima combined (too soon?). But also because, in the movie, Mariah doesn’t wear makeup, and…wellllll let’s just say OH MY GOD, NO NO NO NO NO. I don’t get it, why no makeup? Mariah’s supposed to be playing a guidance counselor to a 16-year-old girl who gets beat by her mother and is pregnant with her second kid. Why is she doing her best Catherine O’Hara impersonation? That’s not cheering anybody up. She should play herself circa 2001, like when she went on TRL wearing only a T-shirt and handing out ice cream. If I’m a twice-knocked-up junior high schooler, that’s who I want to tell my problems to. And then she’d be all, “And then a hero comes along / With the strength to carry on / And you cast your fears aside / And you know you can survive!” Falsetto!
Google is, without question, the de facto place to get information. Need a map with directions to a movie theater? Search Google. Curious when Thomas Jefferson was born? Search Google. Dying to know where the nearest McDonald’s is? Ask Kirstie Alley Search Google. If information was an earthquake, Google (or Indonesia) would be its epicenter. Going along the same lines as this already inappropriate comparison, let’s say, instead if your earthquake, you want to experience someone else’s—let’s say you’re Indonesia, but you want to have…1960s Chile’s “information” (the worst-recorded earthquake ever, thank you Google). Then surf your digital ass over to Mystery Google, where no matter what you query, MG spits back whatever the last person who used it searched for. Try searching for a cookie recipe and get tips on getting nails out of a tire. Try searching the color purple and get image results for a bra made of bacon. Of course, a lot of the random results will be X-rated, but there’s nothing PG about earthquake carnage either.
As I discussed two weeks ago, Tony Jaa kicks so much ass that if ass-kicking were an export, he’d have a higher GDP than most third-world countries. But Mr. Jaa doesn’t have style or grace; he’s lacking a certain je ne sais quoi/any kind of real clothing. Who do you call for an ass-kicking and flannel three-piece suit? (*Puts on mink coat*) Black Dino-Mite! Black Dynamite stars Michael Jai White as a karate kickin’, jive talkin’, bad mother. He’s a lot like Shaft, if Shaft had a wind-resistant afro and dressed like Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights. It’s apparently a parody of the “blaxploitation” genre of films, which Wikipedia was nice enough to inform me is the name given to movies that targeted the urban black audience and featured ghettos, pimps, drug dealers and soul music. Umm, those are my favorite movies, and ask anyone who’s seen me dance or play basketball—I’m white. Black Dynamite blows up on Oct. 16, which gives me exactly 15 days to get my BD Halloween costume ready. Trick or tre…BLACK DYMANITE! (*Throws hand in the air, grabs crotch, does spin move*)
Follow me on Twitter!
Lately, I have been Tweeting my face off, and it shows—I’ve got like 15 new followers in the past week. That’s a better growth rate than Kirstie Alley’s waistline any stock or bond. Invest your money with me over at twitter.com/BradPareso. My ROI will make you OMG.
Tags: Bacon Bra, Black Dynamite, Blaxploitation, Boogie Nights, Catherine O'Hara, Chile, Choke, Cyhanide, eBay, Glitter, Google, halloween, Hanging, Hero, Hiroshima, indonesia, Jennifer, mariah carey, Mark Wahlberg, Marriage Proposal, McDonald's, Michael Jai White, Movies, Mystery Google, Nagasaki, Noose, OMG, Precious, Ring, ROI, suicide, Thomas Jefferson, Tony Jaa, TRL, Twitter, Vitamins, Web, wedding