Best Trailer for a Movie that Didn’t Even Come Out Yet
If anybody can turn a 144-year-old story that makes no sense into an effect-laden movie that makes some sense, it’s Tim Burton. And with Johnny Depp channeling Jack Sparrow by way of heavy opiates to play the Mad Hatter, seeing Alice in Wonderland will be the most enjoyable way to experience an ecstasy trip without turning into Billy Mays (in fairness, he was always putting his face near carpets. He was bound to accidentally snort a little OxiClean).
Best Use of Hair Products
Runner-Up: The Michael Jackson funeral.
Best Reason to Lose Faith in Humanity
F My Life first came onto the Web in January of 2008, but I didn’t find it until early March, 2009, which I imagine was right at its prime, otherwise you know I would have found it sooner (I am omnipotent). Before that, it was still in infancy. When I came upon it, it was a mix of funny Murphy’s Law-esque diatribes and whiny brats complaining their middle school crush didn’t notice them in algebra class. Obviously the latter won out, and now we’re left with six thousand pages of, “2day, I came home from skool n heard my mom n dad havin sex n there bedroom! FML!” Really? Our country’s divorce rate is like 97 percent and if Fortune Magazine ads and commercial breaks during golf tournaments have taught us anything, it’s that every male on Earth can’t get it up. And you’re complaining that your parents get intimate still? No. F MY life.
Best SNL Video
“I’m on a Boat” is the best SNL Digital Short of the past year, and since Digital Shorts are the only things funny on SNL anymore, “I’m on a Boat” is the best SNL video this year. The combo of a massive yacht, two incredibly white guys and T-Pain really can’t be beat, and if this wins at the Grammy’s I’ll wear a nautical-themed pashmina afghan for the rest of winter.
Best WTF America?
I’m all for the existence of a store that sells kitchen appliances, lets me open an IRA and has a licensed optometrist on premise. But as soon as people started shopping there wearing bungee cords for suspenders and actual garbage bags, America changed. Changed to a place where Natty Light flows like water, camouflage is painted on everything, and yes, trucks have Larry the Cable Guy mudflaps.
Best Reason to Justify the Internet’s Existence
The Kuroshio Sea Tank is the second largest aquarium in the world, and in this case I’m quite content with second largest because it is f**king awe-inspiring and emotionally stirring (needed the F-bomb to make that sound manly). Some of those fish could swallow those divers whole. Think about that next time you eat sushi.
Best Reason to Book a One-Way Ticket to Japan
What’s a typical American soup commercial look like? A football player eating a hot bowl of beef, vegetables and an entire ocean’s worth of sodium. In Japan? You get beings made of cheese and onion hiding in a refrigerator, seizure-inducing cinematography and a David Archuleta lookalike making the greatest screaming sound effect in history, set to music ripped from a Japanese DJ video game. Yeah, it’s actually for curry and is a mash-up of a bunch of commercials, but so what? We’re talking about Japan—the country that gave us a game show where people stick their heads in a box with a Komodo dragon. Is this really a stretch?
Proof Our Future is Doomed
Giving kids Legos will teach them to use their imagination. Giving kids a coloring book and crayons will teach them hand-eye coordination. And giving kids a doll with hairy ankles and pubic hair will teach them…hygiene? How to use a razor? What a prepubescent werewolf looks like? I don’t know, but my nephew may or may not find one under the Christmas tree this year (spoiler alert—his sister got one, too).
WHOA These Pictures Look Trippy I Don’t Remember Taking Any Drugs I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS
To me, satellite photos of Earth are enjoyable to look at because they offer a perspective of our planet that almost nobody will get to experience, but I also spend my Friday nights wearing a blindfold and reaching into the medicine cabinet to play “Which One’s The Tylenol?” Regardless, I think we can all agree that viewing an entire desert or mountain range in a single picture is pretty humbling. And if there’s one thing I’m big on, it’s being humble. (*Gazes at award shelf*)
OMG I AM COUGHING I THINK I HAVE SWINE FLU
As if over-anxious parents weren’t already jumping to take their kids to the ER every time one coughed, Earth was blessed with Swine Flu. The pandemic swept across the map and…wait, what was that noise? Did little Curly Sue sneeze?! Take her to the doctor! She could turn into a rabid swine at a moment’s notice! HURRY! Throw on a hazmat suit and hose her down before it’s too late! Quarantine her with the lepers and mutes and Gary Busey! Oh, wait; she just ate something with pepper on it. False alarm everyone!
John V. Pareso Lifetime Achievement Award for Setting Back the Internet’s Progress by 1,000 Years
My dad is old. He’s lived through two-thirds of the Yankees’ World Series wins, voted for countless presidents and fought in the Civil War Vietnam War. He’s not good with technology at all, especially the Internet. He asks me how to download his computer when he wants to turn it on. But he means well. Which is why the John V. Pareso Lifetime Achievement Award for Setting Back the Internet’s Progress by 1,000 Years bears his name. It’s the most prestigious award the NBNnnys can bestow. It’s only fitting.
The inaugural winner of the Lifetime Achievement Award is a video featuring an old man, some costumed animals a bunch of young children doing yoga on a farm. It sent ripples through the World Wide Web in mid-summer, and when I went back to find it for the NBNnnys, it had been taken down due to a copyright claim from Robin Maxwell. I Googled her and found out she’s (and this is directly from Wikipedia because it’s too good to re-word) “an American historical novelist who specializes in the Tudor period. She is also a screenwriter and political blogger.” So not only does she have three of the worst professions ever, she took what is undeniably 2009’s greatest contribution to the Internet away from the masses. Fortunately it’s been mirrored in several places so that it can enjoy being the recipient of such a prestigious award.
That’s all for the First Annual NBNnnys! Thank you to the Internet for continuing to amaze/frighten me and all eight of the people who read “NBN” on a weekly basis. See you in 2010!