What kind of process is there for naming children? I don’t have kids (that I support—get a job you bums!), so what’s the deal? How did Nicole Richie and That Idiot from That Band come up with Harlow Winter Kate and Sparrow James Midnight? “Let’s take a made-up word, add a season (winter depresses me—damn the rich and famous!) and then put an actual name.” And she has to live with that. Do you think little Harlow Winter Kate is getting picked for varsity cheerleading? Because if you do you obvi don’t know what it takes to bring it. “Sparrow…darkness…THE MIDNIGHT!” It’s like they threw in the name James just so he has something to go by. Like in the first day of class when the teacher calls him for attendance, he can just say “Uhh…James is fine.” And then kids will throw birdfeed at him. So…yeah…this was supposed to be about companies with bad names, but I got a little sidetracked. But, there’s a place called Menlove Dental Practice, and if that doesn’t pique your interest, I’ve got nothing.
I saw the poster for Invictus and thought it was about Matt Damon going super blond to play a sport, and Morgan Freeman as the coach struggling to help his team win/grow hair he too can color. You know, a nice life- and hair-affirming tale. But the beginning of the trailer is just Freeman whispering, “I thank whatever gods may be…z…for my unconquerable soul…zzz…I am the master of my fate…zzzzzzzzzzz” and I woke up 12 hours later. The guy’s voice is just so soothing. He should be the only person doing voiceovers for anything—and I’m sorry to bring this up again, but Sigourney Weaver got the voice work to Planet Earth over him? I’m not saying the Discovery Channel has racist hiring practices, but when was the last time you saw black polar bears on TV? Invictus plays the race card 100 percent by using a rugby team in South Africa made of white people. Not on the team? Dave Matthews. Not because Warner Bros. is racist, but because he sounds like the white Bill Cosby.
I tell people that writing “NBN” has its perks and they just laugh at me and pat my head. Like a little kid who just asked his parents where babies come from. (NB: Not from late-night infomercials.) You don’t wanna believe me? FINE! Let me just show you how many Twitter followers I have and…oh wait. What’s this? A GOOGLE WAVE account? How on Earth did that get there? Couldn’t be from those perks because they don’t exist, right? RIGHT? Do you even know who has a Google Wave account? Important people do. People with connections. People with influence. PEOPLE WHO WRITE INTERNET COLUMNS. I’d tell you about all the features on Google Wave but I have no idea how to use it you really wouldn’t understand. It’s a pretty complex program—merging chat, conferencing and multimedia into one sleek interface—and that’s too much for most to handle. Not me, though. I Wave my face off all the time. (*Waves hand, calls tech support*)
So, World Series huh? How’s that going? Did the Yankees win yet? Charlie Manuel get his 15th-century pocket watch untangled from the dugout netting? CC Sabathia set the record for most cheesesteaks eaten in a three-day span? I kid, I kid (except the cheesesteak thing)—I’ll root for the Third Reich before I cheer for anything from Philadelphia (except cheesesteaks). Or anyone, like idiots who try to argue Philly is as awesome as NYC. This gallery chronicling athletic battles between The Capitol of the Free World and Scumtown, USA might hint at some equality, but don’t buy the hype. And yeah, it is the capitol. Where’s the largest stock exchange in the world located? Katz’s Deli? Times Square? “Oh, but Philadelphia is where our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence!” Yeah? And were bullets whizzing by while they did it? Idiots hanging from streetlights throwing empty vodka bottles at each other? Way to go, Philly. Your downfall has been more spectacular than Kirstie Alley Dustin Diamond. (And you thought you knew where I was going!)
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Why don’t they allow for italics on Twitter? Is it so much to ask for some simple font-editing capabilities? I feel so weird writing movie titles and using quotes. Sign my petition at twitter.com/BradPareso and let’s bring grammar to Twitter!
Tags: Bill Cosby, Bring It On, Capitol of the Free World, CC Sabathia, Charlie Manuel, Cheerleading, Cheesesteak, Dave Matthews, Discovery Channel, Dustin Diamond, Google Wave, Harlow Winter Kate, Internet, Invictus, Italics, Joel Madden, Katz's Deli, Kidsexchange, Kirstie Alley, Matt Damon, Morgan Freeman, NBN, New York, New York City, Nicole Richie, NY, Pa., Philadelphia, Philly, Planet Earth, Scumtown, Sigourney Weaver, South Africa, Sparrow James Midnight, Third Reich, Times Square, Twitter, USA, Warner Bros., Web, Yankees