Articles Tagged ‘Kirstie Alley’
So the other day I was sitting in my climate-controlled living room, wearing a chinchilla fur bathrobe and rabbit fur slippers and eating glazed veal shallots with grated white truffle on top, when one of those commercials for ChildFund International came on. And talk about a mood kill. So what if my $1 donation can feed an entire village for six years and build a Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins combo store? Do you know what I can buy at the dollar store with that? Everything.
I know, I know, there’s a gallery of satellite photos in “NBN” like once a month. Heck, even last week’s Haiku installment had one. What can I say? I am a sucker for picture taken from (*sets megaphone to echo*) outerrrrrrr spaaaaaaaaaace (space space space).
What kind of process is there for naming children? I don’t have kids (that I support—get a job you bums!), so what’s the deal? How did Nicole Richie and That Idiot from That Band come up with Harlow Winter Kate and Sparrow James Midnight? “Let’s take a made-up word, add a season (winter depresses me—damn the rich and famous!) and then put an actual name.” And she has to live with that. Do you think little Harlow Winter Kate is getting picked for varsity cheerleading? Because if you do you obvi don’t know what it takes to bring it.
Most people would look at me and say, “Wow Brad. You’ve got it all. Great looks. An amazing personality. One of the funniest columns in the history of written word. And a horrible really well-paying job.” And I’d look at them and say, “Don’t ever make eye contact with me.” But after that, I’d explain that while I’m really grateful for the upbringing I got, it never fit me. I may have been born on Long Island in the 1980s, but I belong somewhere else. Namely, a 1970s ghetto filled with bedazzled-suits, wonderful hair and wide knowledge of karate. I’m talking of course, about (*deep breath*) BLACK DINOOOO MITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!