I took karate at one of the most renowned martial arts schools in the world—Tiger Schulmann’s. And I’m not trying to brag, but I was an animal. One time, I did 62 roundhouse kicks in a row. The record was like 7,000 but mine were perfect form. OK, ever heard of the purple belt? It’s even harder to get than a black belt and guess who had one (my mom bought it for me). So take my word as even more truth than usual when I tell you Tony Jaa (as in, “Holy s***, that guy just ran up an elephant’s tusk and backflipped off its face—JAAAAAAAA!”) is out of his judo-chopping mind. Ong Bak 2 is the sequel to Miss Congeniality Jaa’s first ass-kicking epic and, if he got my letters, it will have a scene where he does 62 consecutive roundhouse. One thing that’s missing, though—Chris Tucker. How can you have an action movie with an Asian lead and no Chris Tucker?! Do you undastannnd the werds that a comin’ atta my mouf? Yes Chris, you’re saying you’re the worst actor ever. WE KNOW.
I’ve got a pretty sick ride. It’s a 2005 Jeep Liberty. Adjustable seats. Glove compartment. Windshield wipers. Headlights. ENGINE (easy ladies, it’s got five seats—plenty of room for all of you). When I cruise down Deer Park Avenue on Saturday nights, blasting Hootie & The Blowfish with the windows down, people notice me. They say things like, “Is that your girlfriend’s car?”—they can’t believe I’m driving a Liberty! Alternatively, it might have something to do with the grime covering my windows, but whatever. A dirty window is like a blank Etch A Sketch—a canvas waiting to be transformed into a picture of Albert Einstein, Ronaldinho or a Peruvian temple. It’s why I protest when kids have car-wash fundraisers. Schools are cutting their arts programs, and there’s a Girl Scouts troop or some soccer team trying to make money by washing my windows? They already fattened up our nation selling oversized Twix bars and making those “Please mister, buy some candy” faces. Buy this you little bastards! [*Revs Jeep Liberty*]
Saturday Night Live is so back it’s not even funny (seriously, it hurt to watch). The only reason to tune in was to see Megan Pareso Fox, a great idea when you consider you could stare at her for about as long as you’d watch Jennifer’s Body, without having to pay $11. Even better—just watch this Digital Short, where Will Forte takes Ms. Fox out to dinner and tells her about his job as a SWAT team leader and hobby of raising lambs before slaughtering and selling them. I can totally relate, because in the winter I raise baby seals and hand-feed them fish, then club them to death and sell their fur to European designers. Ain’t no way the recession is beating me! I club seals! Next week’s host is Ryan Reynolds, who someone told me is the male version of Megan Fox, and I’m sorry but that’s like saying Yoda is the male version of Dakota Fanning. Hmm, short and strange looking I am.
MacGyver went off the air in 1992, long before the Internet. It took time for his name to be immortalized, right up there with Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. And were he around today, he’d probably have There I Fixed It bookmarked on his laptop made from a pizza box, Lite-Brite and shoe lace. Because what’s better than the armpit heart of our country doing its best handyman impression? Safety? Did MacGyver care about safety when he defused that bomb with an oyster fork and tire pump? I applaud anyone who makes a seesaw out of a 2×4 and two cut-off plastic lawn chairs. Did Henry Ford back down from creating the assembly line? Heck no, and that spirit lives on in things like a bubble wrap and plastic bag shower curtain and traffic light held to a poll with ribbon. RIP MacGyver, someone should have told you that you can’t stop an 18-wheeler with duct tape.
Follow me on Twitter!
One of my favorite places to Tweet from is the gym. I rest a lot between sets, and nothing kills time like Twitter. Big guys look at me weird, but whatever dude—You can bench press a car, but I have 112 followers! Read my Fe-charged blurbs at twitter.com/BradPareso.