I have a problem with this “being felt up by strangers” at the airport business.
To begin with, what is this “Don’t touch my junk” stuff?
Has the language deteriorated this much?
What do we mean, “junk”?
I may be older than dirt but I want to go back to the time when a man would say, “Don’t touch my family jewels.”
Jewels, not junk.
While I’m at it, a real man would say, “And don’t you be touching my wife’s flower, either.” That’s what they called a woman’s private parts in my day—around the turn of the last century.
Men had jewels and women had flowers. Those were the days.
But being an incredible opportunist, I think I could make some money out of all these invasive full-body searches.
So I’m announcing the Della Femina catalog of items to help turn a boring trip to the airport into an erotic delight.
First of all, I offer you the Della Femina line of paper bathrobes. Blue for men. Pink for women. Each robe has an official-looking decal that reads: CERTIFIED FOR TSA AIRPORT EXAMINATION.
Here’s how it works. When you are ready to leave your home for the airport, take off every item of clothing and underwear. You must be as naked as the day you were born under the robe. When you get to the front of the security line at the airport, drop the bathrobe and stand there wearing only a smile. You have my guarantee that none of the screeners will touch you.
This naturally works best when you are traveling in a large group. When a family of eight drops their bathrobes, I guarantee they will be moved through the line with all due speed.
If you’re a hopeless prude and choose not to be nude at the airport, here are a few items that may interest you. Men can wear my DON’T CONFUSE ME WITH BARNEY FRANK buttons on their clothing, and women can wear the DO I LOOK LIKE ROSIE O’DONNELL? buttons. (Buttons are $5.00; other buttons with more explicit messages are available.)
This will send a clear signal that you insist on being screened by a member of the opposite sex. And don’t settle for an old screener. Point to the most attractive screener of the opposite sex and say you will wait until they’re available. When they touch you in an intimate area it is perfectly legitimate for you to moan loudly, squirm, and make lewd sexual remarks. This will give all the other people waiting on line a laugh and reduce the tensions this silly procedure will cause.
Also available for both men and woman is the Della Femina Burkha for $79.95, available only in black. Janet Napolitano, the United States Secretary of Homeland Security, has indicated that women wearing burkhas might be exempt from being examined for religious reasons. This despite the fact that several burkha-wearing woman have blown themselves up in Iraq and Israel.
If a woman can wear a burkha, why can’t a man? Just pin the Barney Frank button on when you approach the screener.
And finally, for men, here is the Della Femina Airport-Strength Viagra, for when a man goes through his screening and a beautiful screener runs her hand over his crotch. Does he want her to smirk when she gets to his junk … er … er … family jewels, or does he want her to look impressed, and maybe even hand him her card?
Warning to men: Have that look on your face but never ever say anything about the fact that you’re packing a WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink,” send your message to [email protected].
