When I was 12 years old, my favorite newspaper writer was a young man named Jimmy Breslin, who wrote about boxing for the New York Journal-American. I tried to write like Breslin, who spent his life trying to write in the style of a great old sports writer named Jimmy Cannon. Jimmy Cannon, of course, wasn’t happy with the way he wrote—he wanted to write like Ernest Hemingway and imitated him every chance he got. That’s my writing pedigree.
Every Friday Cannon wrote a column that I would devour. The column consisted of his observations of the passing scene. It was called “Nobody Asked Me, But…” A friend suggested that I write a “Nobody Asked Me, But” column and so, with apologies to Breslin, Cannon and Hemingway…
NOBODY ASKED ME, BUT
• The next person Tom Cruise will marry will be John Travolta. Remember, you read it here first.
• If there is any justice, Bernie Madoff and Jerry Sandusky should be forced to be cellmates.
• I only watched two episodes of The Girls, but every time I felt like I had to take a shower.
• I’m old, but the thought of having sex with a woman who has giant tattoos on her chest makes me want to barf.
• Chief Justice John Roberts’ view that the ObamaCare mandate is really an enormous tax that will be paid by the middle class may just make Mitt Romney the next president of the U.S. It feels like 2010 all over again.
• I’m disappointed but I have no quarrel with Chief Justice Roberts’ decision on ObamaCare. He made a judicial decision and not a political one. That’s what I thought the Supreme Court was all about in the first place.
• Let me get this straight: The four conservatives in the Supreme Court are an evil bloc who only vote for political reasons, and the four liberals on the Supreme Court are just four wonderful fair-thinking people who just happen to agree on the same subject every time. They’re not a bloc, just sweetness and goodness.
• Every time I contemplate the thought of “Mayor Christine Quinn” I break out in a cold sweat.
• Fast and Furious is the most boring issue in an election year. Nobody cares.
• If Barack Obama had any guts he would replace Eric Holder as Attorney General with Eliot Spitzer.
• I love how calling for executive privilege has become such a “nothing” issue with the liberal press now that Obama did it.
• I’m all for it, but I can’t help but wonder if Barack Obama thinks about his Noble Peace Prize when he decides which terrorist he wants to blow to smithereens in a drone death.
• I saw someone on the street who wasn’t holding a cell phone the other day. I was shocked and afraid.
• Tell the truth, when you see one of those idiots blabbing on a cell phone and crossing the street against traffic and looking the wrong way—don’t you secretly wish they would get nicked a little? Not killed, just sort of knocked down with painful scrapes on their knees. Forget I just wrote that. That’s too creepy even for me.
• 15-year-old boys seem to like school a lot better than I did when I was a kid. Maybe it’s the teacher/student sex.
• I’m giving you 20 minutes (without Google) to name 4 members of Barack Obama’s cabinet— I’ll bet you can’t do it.
• Chuck Schumer can put me to sleep with 25 self-satisfied words or less. I wonder how Chuck explains Barack Obama to the Wall Street honchos he’s been hustling for political donations over the years.
• As a Republican, I’m embarrassed every time Senator Mitch McConnell opens his mouth.
• I got this email (misspellings and all) the other day from God. This is word-for-word true. An email message to me from God:
Dear US Media:
Help! I am Allah, God of The Religions, am now here on Earth, and seeking your help for a church or mosque to help with The Resurrection, a special religious event. I am also seeking media relations for this Millennium’s events as it pertains to religious matters.
If you can help anything at all, to include an encourage word, please email god@llah.US or call 1-707-925-2488 SMS/VM; Please advise Me as soon as possible.