Jerry’s Ink: The Obama Spin Speech

President Barack Obama waves as he turns to leave after a news conference in the East Room of the White House in Washington, Wednesday, Nov. 3, 2010. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

My fellow Americans: The results are in, and this is a great victory for my administration. I am heartened by your wonderful response. YES, WE CAN…YES, WE CAN.

You have sent the word loud and clear to Republicans and to those in the Tea Party. You have said: “Republicans, Tea Party people, we the voters are putting you in a position so that you can work with the Obama administration in a bi-partisan way, just as he suggested you would all work together when he rode into office in his landslide victory in 2008.”

I remember saying to the good Rev. Jeremiah Wright, a man whose church I sat in every Sunday for 20 years without hearing a word that he said, “Rev. Wright, pray for the American people. I know that witch Nancy Pelosi and that numbskull Harry Reid are going to misinterpret my victory and try to keep some of those wonderful Republicans and those quaint Tea Partiers out of the decision-making process, and it’s wrong.”

What’s more, for the last two years I have been repeating the same stupid analogy on national television every night until the average American is ready to throw up. You know, the old “the Republicans drove the car into the ditch and now they want the keys back” jazz.

OK, I guess that didn’t work, and perhaps in the spirit of complete disclosure I should reveal to you, the American people, that I can’t drive. Never learned. Never had to. Why does a community organizer need a car? This is why, in the last two years, I haven’t driven the car into a ditch, but I have just about driven it off a cliff. I’ve never seen a trillion dollars I couldn’t give away.

Well, to my good, new Republican friends, I say: Take the keys. Take the car. I’m getting in the back seat and relaxing. If you drive the car deeper into the ditch, I will be re-elected easily in 2012. If you get the car back on the road to prosperity and cut the jobless rate, I will take credit, because who has done more to put you back into the driver’s seat today than I? Either way I win. YES, I CAN…YES, I CAN.

So I want to close this victory speech with a joke. There has been too much anger, too much bitterness, too much negative advertising. We must lighten up. YES, WE CAN…YES, WE CAN.

This joke will show you what my dream is for the American people. I want them to live in a world where, if they are clever and keep me in office until 2016, they will always be able to take advantage of the American system.

In short, don’t fight the system—use the system. And remember: there is always some rich dude we can get to pay for it.

The joke takes place in my hometown, Chicago. A couple, both well into their 30s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?” The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? We need your feedback!” The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is also amazed that the couple is asking for sexual advice, so he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.”

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