A lot of people have been asking me about the state of the health of my puppy Shlomo since the other night, when he ate all my Clarinex pills and the plastic prescription bottle that held them. Shlomo is fine and is looking to score some more prescription drugs. I’m looking into sending him to the doggie wing of the Betty Ford Clinic.
A lot of dogs get into more trouble than Shlomo, who replaced our last dog, the late Oreo, another cute little ball of fur who caused me a lot of grief in her day. Oreo got into trouble when she was sleeping under a table and was stepped on by an uninvited guest at a party I was giving. Oreo bit the intruder and the next thing I knew Oreo was the defendant in a number of lawsuits. As bad as she was, Oreo didn’t come close to a dog named Winston, about whom I wrote this article a few years ago.
WAS WINSTON AT LEAST ALLOWED TO SMOKE A LAST CIGARETTE?
It turns out there are hundreds of East Hampton liberals who were shocked and dismayed when Judge Cathy Cahill recently sentenced Winston, the child-mauling pooch, to death without giving him a trial. “What happened to a jury of his peers?” the liberals are saying. If there were a jury of his peers, it would have consisted of two Yorkies, a Rottweiler, three Poodles, two Dalmatians, and four Golden Retrievers.
“Winston didn’t get a fair trial!” Oreo, my rotten little dog, recently barked. Then she added, “I’ve been in touch with Alec Baldwin and he’s going to set the record straight. Alec and I are disturbed that Winston has been sentenced to death—we’re against the death penalty … especially for animals.” Oreo also reported Alec, Susan Sarandon and Barbra Streisand are forming the Committee to Save Winston.
On the night of the execution, my dog Oreo plans to lead hundreds of pooches outside the East Hampton pound, all holding little candles in their paws. “I’m sure Reverend Jesse Jackson will join us and lead us in a prayer,” she said. “Something like, ‘LORD, HELP US FIGHT AND GIVE US THE MIGHT NOT TO BITE EVEN WHEN WE’RE RIGHT.’
“The sight of that sweet English Bull Terrier wearing a little orange jumpsuit will break everyone’s heart. Winston was a victim … a poor victim,” continued Oreo, warming up to the bleeding-heart liberal chant. “He never knew his father, and his mother was, frankly, a bitch, so what chance did Winston have?”
Then Oreo came over, licked my face, and said, “Won’t you use your influence at The Independent to get him a reprieve?”
“No way,” I replied. “He hurt a little kid. Off him.”
Oreo ignored me: “Can’t you just see that cute little pooch on the night of execution? A priest praying by his side. He will have had his last meal of Kibbles and maybe a hamburger. Can’t you just hear all the other doggies on death row barking their goodbyes? One dog, a talented little mutt who can play the harmonica, will be playing ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.’ Walking the last mile may take a bit of time since Winston will have to stop and lift his leg every 10 steps.”
Our conversation was interrupted by the phone ringing. It was the editor of this newspaper. “Breaking news!” he shouted. “WINSTON WAS SMOKED AT HIGH NOON TODAY!” I just broke the news to Oreo and she has that hangdog look. “Did they leave the lines open to the governor?” she asked. “There could have been a last-minute reprieve.”
“No, Oreo, I’m afraid Winston is in that big kennel in the sky,” I replied. Oreo left the room and just came back with her muzzle. “Put it on me,” she said. “A dog can’t be too careful in this heartless, Fascist atmosphere.” Perhaps Oreo is spending far too much time listening to Alec Baldwin.
HER LUGGAGE ARRIVED BEFORE SHE DID—MY FAVORITE NEWS STORY OF ALL TIME
Did you see the funniest news story ever? According to the Associated Press, a lady named Renee Koutsouradis is suing Delta Airlines because she claims she was embarrassed, humiliated, and leered at by the airline’s employees.
It seems she was getting ready to board a flight when airline officials paged her and informed her that one of her suitcases had started buzzing and vibrating as it was being put on to the plane. The lady was asked to open her suitcase and turn off the noisy, vibrating offender. When she removed and held up the (how shall I say it) very personal “intimate” item which, apparently, had taken on a life of its own and, you should pardon the expression, turned itself on, three Delta Airline employees leered and rolled on the floor hysterical with laughter.
Now, any of us would’ve thanked our lucky stars only three people were aware of the incident. But Ms. Koutsouradis decided to sue and now the whole country can roll around with laughter. Can’t you just hear the judge:
“Bailiffs, tell Exhibit A to stop that noise or I’m going to hold it in contempt of court.”
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