Eyjafjallajökull?
What the hell kind of a name is that for a volcano? Eyjafjallajökull reads like an eye chart on steroids. Near as I can figure, Eyjafjallajökull is the sound a person makes when they are choking on a fish bone.
What happened to those great volcano names of the past? Mt. Vesuvius: now that’s a real name for a volcano. In 79 A.D., just a little belch from Vesuvius and poof, Pompeii and all its citizens were history. That’s a volcano you can respect.
Then there was good old Mt. Fuji, which erupted in 1707 and killed even more people in Japan than Toyota killed last year in America.
And my very own favorite is a Krakatoa (Crack–a-tow-a). Now that’s a sexy name for a volcano and boy, when Krakatoa blew in 1883, they heard the roar as far away as Australia. Java and Sumatra broke up into a lot of little pieces and the skies all over the world were colored red for five years.
Eyjafjallajökull is your run-of-the-mill, minor league volcano, but it’s the reason I’m stranded in London and God knows when I’m going to get home again. It seemed so simple: A quick four-day vacation celebration of my son JT’s 21st birthday. We held it in London, where he’s at school. For me it was a celebration of no more fake IDs. What could go wrong?
Our plane landed in London after the most uncomfortable seven hours of my life. Delta Airline seats are designed for anorexic midgets … Er … I mean anorexic little people… Er … I mean little people with eating disorders.
As soon as I massaged the cramp in my back and rubbed the circulation back in my legs, I limped off the plane, happy to be in London. What could go wrong?
We checked into a wonderful hotel, The Lanesborough, had a great meal and then went to bed for a blessed nights sleep. What could go wrong?
I’ll tell you what could go wrong.
During the night, Eyjafjallajökull, a miserable volcano from a second-rate country like Iceland blew up and spewed a black cloud of ashes that has hung over Europe and the UK ever since. This ended all air traffic until further notice. The effect on travelers was amazing. Now I’m not talking about those poor bastards who were stuck in an airport with no place to stay for the past six days. My heart goes out to them. I’m talking about people who were in a luxury hotel in the middle of London, one of the greatest cities in the world. Their reaction? Panic. Pure, unadulterated panic. It was like that scene from the movie Casablanca where everyone is rushing for the last train out of Paris to get away from the Nazis.
At the Lanesborough hotel, strangers were talking to each other and coming up with silly plans to beat the black ash clouds. “Madrid,” said one. “I hear plenty of planes are flying out of Madrid.” “Rome, I have to make it to Rome” said another. “Lisbon” said a man who stopped near my table at the bar. “I’m going to take a train from London to Paris then drive to Lisbon.”
“And then?” I asked. “Who knows?” he answered.
My favorite was the guy who came up to me looking like a racetrack tout and said, “What do you think?” “I don’t know,” I answered, “I guess sooner or later it will lift.” “No sir,” he said. “Last time this baby went, there were black clouds for two years.” I must admit this had me wondering what my limit was on my American Express Card.
The stranger then said, “Here’s what I’m doing: Eurostar to France, rented car to southern Spain and then a ferry from Gibraltar to Casablanca.”
“Well,” I said, “If you make it to Casablanca and you need those pesky ‘Letters of Transit’ to get on a plane, they’re in ‘Rick’s Place.’ Rick hid them in ‘Sam’s piano.’” The guy didn’t even crack a smile. He just nodded and went on his way to find another stranger to whom he could share his ingenious plan.
Me? I’m still here in London. The best news I heard so far was on the BBC, which reported Gordon Brown, the British Prime Minister, was sending The Royal Navy to go to foreign countries to rescue stranded British citizens.
When I heard that, I told my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, that’s it, that’s our ticket out of here. When Obama sends the U.S. Navy here to get us out, tell them I’m waiting in the bar.
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