“I always thought of you as an A**hole, but now I am certain that you are one, as per your recent column. Poor beautiful Judy, stuck with you.”
So I got the above e-mail from a gentleman from Sag Harbor who shall go nameless. I’ve chosen not to identify him because I fear that if I publish his name he will become the most popular man on the East End and the next thing that will happen is he’ll run for high office and be elected by many of you who are looking for a new political messiah (since the last guy you sent to the White House turned out to have the speechmaking abilities of Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan all rolled up into one—but the political instinct and leadership abilities of a Jimmy Carter Lite).
So, never one to take criticism lightly, I immediately showed the note to my wife, the beautiful Judy Licht, hoping to get some sympathy. But alas, Judy read it, smiled and said, “He is such a good writer, he summed up our 27-year marriage in three short lines, beautifully.”
This, of course, has caused me a few sleepless nights.
Where did I stray? How did I lose touch with the readers of this column?
The worst problem is that the gentleman from Sag Harbor didn’t even take the time to tell me which of my columns confirmed his belief that I was an A**hole.
I went back, reread my columns from the past three months and searched for the A**hole thread, some clue of what the gentleman from Sag Harbor was talking about. I failed.
So, I’ve decided the only way to change the public perception of me as an A**hole is to change the direction of this column. I must be practical and stop criticizing Barack Obama. In fact, I see the light. I see the future. I’m becoming a liberal.
So here goes.
I want you to know that I’ve switched; I’m a liberal and now I’m on your side on this health care mess.
I’m behind you as you shove a trillion dollar health care bill up the American peoples…er…persons’…er…down their throats.
I want you to know that your brilliantly crafted words on health (even though you can’t stop smoking) are important, because it’s imperative that this country follows what you say and not what you do.
Let’s hear it for your health care plan.
A $500 billion cut in Medicare. I’m for it.
Thirty million new patients with no new doctors. I’m for it.
Health care rationing. I’m for it.
Taxing medical devices like pacemakers and automated wheelchairs. I’m for it.
Raise my income tax. I’m for it.
Raise my capital gains tax. I’m for it.
What’s more, my efforts to help you go beyond health care.
Wait until you hear my plan for closing Guantanamo and trying Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the self-described mastermind of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
Like you and Eric (The Soft) Holder, our Attorney General, I realize our first priority is to make sure Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is given the same rights as every American. In fact it may be easier to just assign him the rights of the 3,000 innocent people he killed in the World Trade Center, as they are dead and won’t be needing their rights anymore.
But where can we hold the trials? Where can we hold the Guantanamo terrorists we have captured over the years?
I say Washington, D.C.
I propose you take 30 billion dollars and there, on Independence Avenue in the shadow of the White House and the Capitol Building, you build the world’s largest courtroom, prison facility and spa.
Think of all the construction jobs for which you can take credit. Think of all the new jobs as prison guards, courtroom attendants, prison masseuses and messieurs and prison room service attendants.
Perhaps you can make a deal with Ritz Carlton to handle guest services for the terrorists?
And may I add that the prison’s proximity to Congress will enable you, Eric Holder and Nancy Pelosi to drop in from time to time and bring the prisoners milk and cookies.
It’s working. As a new liberal I’m feeling self righteous about myself already.
On a final note, Mr. President, if you should run into Senator Chuckie Schumer in your travels, please tell him I’m now a liberal and he can start sending me e-mails asking me to donate money to his campaign.
In my A** Hole conservative days I deleted them. Now, as a liberal, my heart and my wallet are wide open.