We bet you thought you were getting a list of green New Year’s resolutions this week. But that would be predictable—and pretty freaking boring. If you’re reading this column you already know the deal. If not, use your common sense. Recycle this. Shut that off. Use both sides of the toilet paper. Besides, fewer than 10 percent of people keep their resolutions, so why set you up for failure? So how about forgoing the ill-fated resolution this year, and trying something different—after all, resolution isn’t something you make, it’s something you have. And here are some ways to sharpen yours in 2010.
RELAX
“I swear to God, I’ll f**king take this ball and shove it down your f**king throat.” —Serena Williams to a line judge who penalized her.
KNOW WHO YOU ARE
“Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry I’m not the guy” —President Barack Obama, defending his pants
PLAY NICE
“Why do they call you Posh?” —Naomi Campbell
“Why do they call you beautiful?” —Victoria Beckham
DON’T JUDGE
“I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. That’s beyond white trash. Poker players are trash, darling, trash.” —Joan Rivers to Annie Duke
BE HUMBLE
“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”—Kanye West
BE FEARLESS
“We’re going to be in the Hudson.”—Captain Chesley Sullenberger to air traffic controllers asking which runway he preferred.
DON’T WORRY WHAT OTHERS THINK
“I pee in the shower. Anyone who says they don’t is lying.” —Kelly Clarkson.
BE GRATEFUL
“I’mma thank [God] for making me drop out of school. I’mma thank him for making me sell crack. I’mma thank him for allowing me to watch my partners die in my arms, so I’d be fearful enough for my life and paranoid enough to go out and cop machine guns and silencers…so I be validated enough to get out there and touch the youth.” —rapper T.I.
BE INSPIRED
“When I was beating the guy, I started thinking, ‘What if I was Hannah Montana?’…that’s why I look so insane. I’m torturing myself with thoughts of, ‘How could I actually pull off being a high school student and a pop star at night?’” —Eli Roth on the inspiration behind his character
MAKE CONNECTIONS
“I had a stalker…she stood outside of my apartment every day for weeks…I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her. I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back.”—Robert Pattinson
THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX
“I have only two passions: space exploration and hip-hop” —astronaut Buzz Aldrin
BE DIFFERENT
“It wasn’t really so easy for my dad…we didn’t talk for months after the first time he saw me play, and my mother told me he was afraid I was, like, mentally unstable.”—Lady Gaga
KNOW YOUR PRIORITIES
“I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a nine-year-old…asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back I wouldn’t be able to see my feet.” —Katy Perry
STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE…BUT DO YOUR RESEARCH FIRST
“One of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done.. how most women are suicidal on it.” —Heidi Montag
LOVE YOURSELF
“[The media] try to paint the picture that I was this downtrodden, ugly girl who was unpopular in school and in life, and then I got this role and now I’m awesome. But the truth is that I’ve been awesome, and then I got this role.” — Precious actress Gabourey Sidibe
…BUT NOT TOO MUCH
“She has not only got a grand piano with, I swear to God, maybe a thousand pictures of herself, but I was in the bathroom, and there were pictures of her everywhere. I’m just trying to pee and there’s just f**king Paris.”—Courtney Love on Paris Hilton
THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
“I”ve called David Beckham, Sir Paul McCartney, hell, I want to get the whole of the Beatles to help me get back in [the UK]” —Snoop Dogg on the Beatles, two of whom are dead, none of whom are David Beckham.
BE CLASSY
“I remember being 17 years old, up for my first MTV award…it was one of the most exciting moments of my life, so I’d like for Taylor to come out and have her moment.” —Beyonce, declining a speech, handing over the mic to Taylor Swift, who had her speech interrupted by Kanye West.
CHALLENGE YOURSELF
“I’ve always said that I would like to be president—it’s kind of my whole thing. Maybe 2040.” —Nick Jonas
REMEMBER WHAT’S IMPORTANT
“Some artists want your money so they can buy Range Rovers and diamond bracelets, but I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I want your soul.”—Lady Gaga
SEE THE BEST IN PEOPLE
“Susan Boyle could look really hot if she just wore some pretty dresses.”—Paris Hilton
DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
“You want me to tell you what my husband thinks? My husband is not Secretary of State. I am. You ask my opinion. I’ll tell you my opinion,” Hillary Clinton to a student who asked “What does Mr. Clinton think?” and meant to say “Mr. Obama.”
AND REMEMBER…
“What’s up London!” —Britney Spears to a Manchester crowd.
“Hello, Ohio!” —Bruce Springsteen to a Michigan crowd.
Everyone makes mistakes.
