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Nothing But Net: For the Week of Nov. 26 – Dec. 2


Haiku Edition

If you’re reading this, I’m probably passed out underneath my dining room table, lying in a pool of gravy and mashed sweet potatoes and still wearing my Robert Pattinson bib (sweet dreams for me). The week lead-up to Thanksgiving is a day-by-day shutdown for my body. On Monday, my nose and ears stop working. Tuesday my motor skills cease to function. By Wednesday my digestive system is uncontrollable, forcing me to wear Depends and sit in a bed pan. And actual Turkey Day? Forget about it—every word that comes out of my mouth is either slurred beyond recognition or in another language (my Thanksgiving morning tradition of chugging a gallon of eggnog before the Huntington four-mile turkey trot may be to blame). So while the award-winning “Nothing But Net” is usually a long, ranting, snarky, strikethrough-laden discussion of the Internet’s weekly best, for Thanksgiving I revert to the most ancient and poetic form of expression: the haiku. Like the Old World Twitter, the haiku’s 17-syllable constraint demands simplicity and maturity (hence, why I use it in only the most dire of circumstances). “NBN” will return to its regular 700-word self next week. Catch up on older entries here, provided your cranberry sauce-stained fingers can get a keyboard to work. In the meantime, enjoy your holiday and a short, concise “NBN.” Don’t get used to it—these things are less frequent than a leap year.

TRAILER


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The Slammin’ Salmon

Michael Clarke Duncan.
Man, that guy is really big.
At least eight feet tall.

PICTURES

Invasive Species

Invasive species?
Get the hell off of my lawn
you stupid species.

PICTURES

Storm Chaser Jim Reed

I don’t get it. If
a tornado wrecks a house,
why go towards it?

PICTURES

Satellite Photos of Earth

NBN_SatelliteEarth

Earth from far away
looks like oil paintings while
tripping on hard drugs.

TRAILER

How To Train Your Dragon

NBN_HowToTrainADragon

It’s like Aladdin.
Except, instead of Genie
there’s a nice dragon.

PICTURES

Hot Air Balloon Festival

NBN_HotAirBallons

Balloons are fun. Ask
that kid from Colorado.
LOL, get it?

TRAILER

Green Zone

Basically this is
the fourth Jason Bourne movie,
but set in Iraq.

WEBSITE

Some Weird Game

NBN_SomeWeirdGame

There are some things on
the Net that make my head hurt.
This is one of them.

PICTURES

Not Photoshopped?

NBN_NotPhotoshopped

NOT Photoshopped, huh?
Then explain how that guy is
eating a spaceship!

PICTURES

Flight

NBN_Flight

Airplanes thrill me. So
I stay in the bathroom with
blanket and headphones.

VIDEO

The World’s Fastest Everything

NBN_Fastest

I used to be fast.
Then I got sad and depressed.
Now I’m really slow.

PICTURES

Battleship Island

NBN_BattleshipIsland

Battleship Island
would be much more fun if it
were like the kids game.

Follow me on Twitter! | Twitter.com/BradPareso

Someone should invent / a Twitter for just haikus. / That would be the best.

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