It’s been nearly a month since the last “Net at Night” installment. Surely the construction on the Northern State is finished, right? Good news—it is!…from exits 40 to 44. Literally the day after they finished paving that section, exits 37A-41 were put on notice. I guess closing the road at night is better than the alternative—have you driven on what those flashing road signs refer to as “grooved pavement?” It’s like skatebording on an ice rink while wearing roller skates (which I do, while texting, all the time).
Obama Speech – Yawn. No. 1 search at 2:05 a.m. I know Obama gave a speech tonight to coincide with the “end” of the war in Iraq. But who is looking that up at this hour? Do that in the morning. At work. On company time. Late-night Googling isn’t made for political discourse. It’s made for looking up, I don’t know, let’s say a video of an NFL rookie getting a BJ on ChatRoulette…
Brandon Spikes Video – This is the late-night Googling I’m used to seeing. Spikes may be a rookie on the New England Patriots, but he’s a pro when it comes to using ChatRoulette for its intended purpose—showing strangers your penis. That a woman is performing oral sex on him rather than a Star Wars figurine or inflatable Britney Spears doll is a plus, but this is one of those things where, even if the senior players tell you to grab a webcam and over-eager Pats fan as some sort of hazing ritual, you say “Pass” and take the wedgie.
Fighting Gravity – It’s that frat-brother group from America’s Got Talent. Sure they dance cool, but what’s up with the name? Have any of you guys taken your required science courses yet? If you fight gravity and win, we are all f*cked.
Chelsey Gullickson – Woman’s tennis player who got served and lost to the No. 2 ranked player in the world, Caroline Wozniacki. Female tennis players are deceptive: They wear tennis skirts but every time they hit the ball they sound like Big Foot.
Jeff Francoeur – On the Google Trends page for Jeff Francoeur, here’s what ESPN says: “The Texas Rangers acquired Jeff Francoeur, a right-handed bat that has hit pretty well against left-handed pitching, from the New York Mets in exchange for…” A bag of Skittles? Hula hoop? Round-trip off-peak LIRR ticket? Disc five from season three of Lost? All of more use to the Mets than another baseball player.
Shaq vs Justin Bieber – The two most opposite human beings on Earth came together on Shaq’s Shaq Vs. show, where Bieber beat him in a game of basketball. Maybe now the Heat will sign the Beebs too?
Teresa Guidice Nephew – There are many things Teresa Guidice, of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, is known for—flipping over tables, dropping F-bombs, a mean hot antipasti; there are two things she is not known for—any concept of money and having boys. After birthing four couture-wearing girls, word on the street is her husband Joe/Joey/Juicy/I’m in the construction business/I’ll break ya f*ckin’ legs fathered an illegitimate son. The juicy rumor was brought up by Danielle Staub, who played the part of Jafar in Aladdin. Seriously, if you ever need to feel like you are a better person than someone, turn this show on.
Mark Ingram – Last year’s Heisman Trophy winner, No. 22 Ingram is set to miss Alabama’s opener because of a knee injury. In a related story, the username AlabamalASSo22 was just seen on ChatRoulette.
Kyle Massey – Kyle is one of the just-announced contestants on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. People are up in arms that this kid—he’s 19—isn’t a star because nobody knows who he is. Um, hello? He was on a little show called That’s So Raven. Ever heard of it? What’s even more funny is that nobody thinks he’s a star because nobody recognizes his name. So when they hear “Michael Bolton,” they don’t think, “Him? The last thing he did was cut his hair.” They think, “I know that name!”
Ocracoke Island – As of 4:07 a.m., Ocracoke Island (great name) is looking like it’ll be the first casualty of Hurricane Earl. The island issued a mandatory evacuation, but of course you’ve got the one idiot who wants to hang out in his basement full of Twinkies and SpaghettiO’s while 125 mph winds gush by. Why do we name hurricanes with real names? Earl? No wonder people don’t flee. I vote we use gruesome adjectives and the names of Decepticons from Transformers. Hurricane Violent Rampage. Hurricane Megatron Oblivion. Hurricane Starscream Devourer of Continents.
Jacquelyn Kotarac – Doctor who died sliding down her boyfriend’s chimney? Sleep tight, Internet.
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Twitter’s top trending topic at 4:21 a.m. is #littleknownfactaboutme. So, a #littleknownfactaboutme is when someone asks for a little-known fact about me, I make something up. I can type 190 words per minute. I can patch a leaky tire with gum and a bottle cap. Et cetera.