The perks of being a journalist are few and far between—the closest I’ll ever get to my dream Aston Martin is the other side of a velvet rope during the press day of the NY Auto Show. But one plus is that people assume you’re an absolute monster of the English language. I can make up words and people are afraid to call my bluff. Vulexinard? It means soft-spoken—don’t tell me you didn’t know that. Also, did you know I won every spelling bee in middle school? I didn’t, but question it and I’ll spell onomatopoeia so fast you’ll forget what nouns are. And forget about Scrabble—who in their right mind wants to get Triple Word Scored by “NBN”’s poet laureate himself. But here’s the thing—I’m not even good at Scrabble, I’m just annoying as all hell to play against. This video presentation by Mehal Shah (a great way to get clear your rack of “h”s) showcases lots of my favorite moves. Go watch it! (*steals your blank tile*)
The Disney movies of the past 40 years or so are a reflection of the way the people that made them were brought up, with strong family values, life lessons and overall wholesome entertainment (except for Snow White—one woman and seven men? So much for monogamy). But kids these days are ungrateful little punks, with their skinny black jeans and garbage emo music and “I hate the world!” attitude. What are those kids going to show their kids? This set of illustrations of reimagined Disney princesses could be the answer. It’s like someone mixed the “family” section at Blockbuster with a Hot Topic. And the stories would go along with the characters: “Aladdin was a street rat. He found a magic lamp and made three wishes: A new studded belt, Zoo York hoodie and tickets to see Good Charlotte. But Jasmine wasn’t interested. So Aladdin got out his acoustic guitar, swung the hair out of his eyes and said, ‘I hate you, world!’” Wholesome entertainment.
Winter is a nice break from the rain heat, but it’s not all butterflies and roses (they fly south/die). Snow, people looking at me funny when I wear flip flops, leafless trees—but the biggest problem? Having sex! (Heyyy, mom and dad, I know you love to read my column, and I appreciate it, but this week’s isn’t worth your time. Seriously, dad, close the Digital Edition now). There must be way less baby-making during cold months. In the summer it’s no biggie—if the bed sheets come off it’s still like 75 degrees outside. What’s the solution in the winter? Bathrobe? I’m not Ferris Bueller. Pea coat? Too many buttons. Poncho? Not that breathable, and I’m not always in the mood for asphyxiation. You can find the best answer at your local “As Seen on TV” retailer, wedged between a Slap Chop and bucket of OxiClean—The Snuggie. Once you’ve got one, head over to The Snuggie Sutra. It’s full of ways to use the sleeved blanket to maximize mid-December love sessions (ShamWow for cleanup not included).
When I first saw the movie Beerfest, I thought it was funny, but unfair—Germans constantly get stereotyped as big alcoholic nutjobs who speek like zey ähr älveyz vith äy stäffed noze. I know how that feels. I’m English and people constantly assume I have horrible teeth, and LET ME TELL YOU, I did not wear a palate expander, braces and a retainer for like 15 years for nothing (other than to be the laughing stock of grade school and make the metal detector at the airport go insane). But unfortunately for the Germans, they’re not doing anything to discredit their drinking stigma. In fact, if the pictures from this year’s 16-day Oktoberfest are any indication, they love the stigma. Munich’s mayor even tapped the first keg, while screaming O’zapft is!, which is probably German for mein führer, zis hängovä vill hürt. Anyway, enjoy these photos and don’t forget to book your tickets for the “NßN” Oktoberfest trip next year (it’s at Applebee’s—twofers!).
Psst…hey! Down here! We’re having a competition at the Press, and the staffer who gets the most followers gets bragging rights. I promised I wouldn’t use my column to pander, but F that. Join me at twitter.com/BradPareso. ARE YOU DOING IT? C’MON! I NEED THIS!