It’s 3:40 a.m. I just ate four burgers and some “sweet” “potato” fries from White Castle. And yes, the Northern State Parkway is still closed going east every night. Do construction crews do anything? I’m going to write a story where I spend a shift with an overnight construction crew. Ready? Here it is: We stood around and moved some traffic cones. The end.
Brain Eating Vaccines – Jumping right in, we’ve got…what? Am I reading this correctly? I hope this isn’t like that time I read “Mel Gibson loathes Jews” as “Mel Gibson loves Jews.” Dr. Robert Sapolsky, Stanford professor, is on the cusp of discovering a vaccine that will reduce anger, anxiety and stress. So he discovered marijuana? Silly Stanford—you’re in California, there are no smart people there!
Brett Favre – I’m glad I only do this once a month, because Brett Favre will likely be Trending until he makes his stupid decision, which will happen after the coin toss but before the first snap of the Vikings’ season opener. It’s almost to the point he should be forced to retire for safety reasons: At his age, his depth perception has got to be poor and his bones are about as strong as Betty White’s. One sack and he’ll resemble one of those fifth-grade science lab skeletons run through a wood chipper.
Justin Bieber Takes Estrogen Pills – IN 3-D!!!
Rachel Zoe Taylor – Rachel Zoe is the star of The Rachel Zoe Project, which began its third season Tuesday night, and Taylor is her former employee who fudged some numbers and took an $8,000 scarf or something (such a steal!). Don’t worry about how I know all this…my friend…Darb…told me.
Martin Bashir – Marty is a journalist by, well, night (he hosts Nightline) and also a racist. So sayeth Diddy after, in an interview, he was asked why he bought his 16-year-old son a Maybach for his birthday. Listen, Diddy, P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, Puffy Wuffy, Pu-Wu, Pee Wee, P. Wee, Wee: That’s not racist, it’s a legitimate question. Those cars start at around $345,000. Now, if Bashir asked “Why did you buy your son a black Maybach?” then let’s get Jesse Jackson on the phone because this journalist is obviously a KKK supporter.
Bad Girls Club – There’s a TV show called Bad Girls Club and it’s in its fifth season. Is this news to anyone besides me? It airs on Oxygen (I laughed at that unintentional pun for 30 seconds—it’s 4:27 a.m., cut me some slack) which is comical because oxygen is, you know, everywhere and I couldn’t find Oxygen if I had a TV Guide and a week of free time. I think it’s somewhere in the 41,000 channel block, near ESPN72 and the QVC subsidiary that only sells left-foot shoes in size 14.
Mitzi Kapture – OK, this woman’s birthname is Mitzi Gaynor Donahue and she changed it to Mitzi Kapture. Eat your heart out, Freddie Fackelmayer.
Northern Lights – The Northern Lights, or Aurora Borealis to you tin foil-hat-wearing types, make these really trippy waves of bright gas in the sky. They’re most common around the two equinoxes, but if you want to see them more often, Dr. Sapolsky over at Stanford can hook you up—just ask for some “brain eating vaccine.”
Distinguo – I can’t tell if this is indeed a foreign language word or my brain is just shutting down. (One thing I can tell—these burps I keep belching out every 10 seconds smell identical to the White Castle I ate two hours ago.)
Triceratops – There are 181 stories all claiming the triceratops never existed. To which I say—lay off, it’s not like triceratops is here to defend himself. Kind of a one-sided argument here, isn’t it? What’s next, we’re all gonna accuse George Washington of being made-up? Bunch of bullies.
Mike Jones – Mike Jones is literally the most generic name in the history of names. Even Google is confused which of the 90 million Mike Jones’ in the world this refers to. There are stories about a financial strategist named Mike Jones, a baseball player named Mike Jones, an escort named Mike Jones and a rapper named Mike Jones. Wait a second…what if they are all the same Mike Jones??? My head hurts.
Prince Poppycock – Look who’s back! It’s Lady GaGa with a pompadour and balls! Maybe PP’s resurgence has something to do with GaGa’s 13 MTV Video Music Award nominations. Maybe not. I cannot wait to hit my word count and go to bed.
Zardari – The president of Pakistan, who said zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
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#thingsthatbotherme is trending on Twitter. So: #thingsthatbotherme are eating White Castle at 3 in the morning, brushing the sh*t out of my teeth and waking up the next morning burping hamburgers. Doesn’t smell bad, just makes me want more of them.