Can you even imagine a world without Auto-Tune? It’s not pretty, but just try. Cher’s “Believe” would be just another song, T-Pain wouldn’t even exist and when you heard a pop tune on the radio, you’d hear what the artist actually sounds like (no thanks). But breathe easy because the glorious audio software that instantly corrects tone and pitch is too ingrained in our culture to disappear any time soon (I heard a rumor they are recording a version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” with it). It’s even seeping into the news in what is without question the greatest use of Auto-Tune to date. “Auto-Tune the News” takes video news segments and laces the anchors’ speech with pitch correction, adds a hip-hop beat and green-screens in members of The Gregory Brothers, the group behind the concept. Not only is the song better than 90 percent of what’s on the radio right now, but Katie Couric being Auto-Tuned sounds legitimately like something that could spawn an entire album.
The first trailer for J. J. Abrams’ reboot of Star Trek debuted like five years ago. I hate when movie trailers start showing so far in advance (see: The Soloist), but then I found out that Star Trek was originally scheduled for release on Christmas Day of 2008. OK, fine. Then I remembered it’s being helmed by Abrams, who has spent the past four-and-a-half seasons of Lost doing nothing with the story. But then season five started to pick up steam. What I’m trying to say is, I’m very skeptical of this movie. Not because I’m a die-hard Trekkie (I don’t even know what a Mr. Spock is); I’m just averse to it. But like IZZE sparking fruit drinks and pretzels with ketchup (just trust me) I’ve warmed to it, and you should too. For now, Star Trek hits theaters on May 8.
What the hell is swine flu? Overnight, this thing became more popular than a Hannah Montana/Jonas Brother concept album for the next Twilight movie. And like Uncle Ben said, with great power comes great responsibility: A responsibility to keep up with the disease that’s sure to wipe out humanity. How many cases of swine flu are there? Where are the most recent outbreaks? Have we found the swine responsible for this heinous act of swinery? I don’t know, but someone is using Google Maps to follow the swine flu pandemic—surely the greatest use of the Internet to date. As of this writing there’s a cluster of swine flu outbreaks in western Nassau. If you’ve contracted the disease and want nothing more than to eat people’s brains, ask your zombified self: What Press columnist has made you laugh out loud over the years? This one.
When I think of Bangkok, I wince. Why? The first thing that comes to mind is that game we used to play as kids:
Bully: What’s the capital of Thailand?
Bully: Yeah! *punches me in the nuts*
Now, there’s massive protests going on in Bangkok (*covers genitals*), and The Sacramento Bee has pictures of the goings-on. I’m not saying I had it worse than anyone in Bangkok does right now. I’m just saying Molotov cocktails don’t necessarily hit you square in the jewels.