Marie Roach of Syosset describes her situation up until a year and a half ago as a “financial burden,” but an “educational experience.”
The single mother’s life changed dramatically in 2006 when her then-81-year-old mother Jeanne, with whom she lived, began showing signs of dementia. After a near-stroke landed Jeanne in rehab, Roach assumed the combined responsibilities of caring for her—leaving others to do so when she was at work—and her own 10-year-old daughter, Sara.
While her brothers and daughter pitched in to help, Roach, then 42, eventually concluded that her mother required intensive care, since Jeanne’s disease progressively worsened. The decision, though not easy, allowed her and Sara to spend more time together.
“If you don’t have a lot of support in caring for either side, if it’s going to impact your children too much, you need someone else to take care of your parent,” she tells the Press.
Roach isn’t alone in her situation. She is but one of more than 965,000 Long Islanders, according to a 2010 census by the Nassau County Office of Aging, making up the “meat” in a “sandwich;” wedged between her daughter’s needs—representing one “slice of bread”—and her mother’s needs, the other. Dubbed “The Sandwich Generation” by sociologists, this growing subset totals 408,437 in Nassau, or 30.5 percent of its total population, and 557,332 in Suffolk, comprising 37.6 percent of that county.
According to a 2006 report by the Pew Research Center titled Baby Boomers Approach Age 60: From the Age of Aquarius to the Age of Responsibility, 50 percent of the nation’s 75 million Baby Boomers are in this very same situation, which the next generation is predicted to also experience as advancements in medicine and technology increase the life expectancy rate.
“Many people in The Sandwich Generation are people who are approaching retirement, or already in retirement,” explains Arthur Dobrin, a professor of University Studies at Hofstra University. “We have a multi-generation with this group in the middle called on by both sides. This is a new phenomenon. It hasn’t happened previously.”
“They care enough to care,” adds Nina Karl, a social worker from Nassau’s aging office. “There’s no legal responsibility for an adult child to care for a parent. It’s very much a societal value whether you become involved with elders.”
With the new trend, so too comes new, unique challenges for those stuck in the middle.
The trouble for Roach came when Medicare refused to pay for a nursing home for Jeanne because her income was too high, requiring that she sell all her assets, including the house, to qualify for assistance. On the advice of an elder lawyer, Roach had her mother sign a life estate clause, transferring ownership of the house over to her. Had they not lived together for five years, the clause would not have been an option.
“We almost lost the house when she went on Medicare,” she says. “Fortunately, we were able to do a life estate clause. If Sara and I hadn’t lived here, the house would have been gone.”
Being the “meat” in the “sandwich” also takes physical and psychological tolls.
Linda Schneider says the main problem is the added stress. Schneider, who runs the Holistic Program at Cold Spring Hills Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation, says the program offers families a much-needed break and a chance to relieve stress while giving elders the necessary time and care they require.
“It decreases the stress level of the family,” she says. “And the holistic program has decreased anxiety and nervousness in its registrants. I have families that thank me every single time they see me: They have a quality of life.”
Carol Abaya, a journalist and founder of the magazine The Sandwich Generation, says its middle-aged members become overworked and burned out by trying to balance the needs of their aging parents and their children. She says they need to encourage their children to assist with daily tasks while finding time for themselves.
“The Sandwich Generation has to learn to do two things,” says Abaya. “One: to get help with doing all these chores. Two: The caregiver needs to make sure they take time for ‘myself.’”
Dobrin says that members must also be rational about how much help they can offer. They should also be careful not to go beyond their limitations and should not be afraid to ask for help when they need it.
“Be open with your adult children,” he says. “Be open about what assistance you can realistically give. [Don’t] be afraid to ask for help and to be clear about your limitations.”
Grace Limbach of St. James, a senior account clerk at Smithtown Central School District, says that while the situation is “stressful” and “worrisome,” it offers people an opportunity to grow and understand more about the needs of others and themselves.
The scariest part for her, she says, was leaving her parents home in the care of others. They never wanted her far away from them, yet she felt guilty that she was never spending enough time with her own family. She says it became difficult when her father developed dementia, because her children became upset and afraid and were too young to understand what was happening.
“I always worried that something was going to happen,” she says. “I always worried about not giving enough time to my family, I always worried about interactions among everyone.”
Limbach says that she did as much as she could and learned to find time between both.
“I think I did the best for my parents, and I hope everybody learned.”
For Roach, while it was challenging, she says she discovered how to handle her finances and advises that anyone in a similar situation consult with a legal professional about the options at their disposal.
“My advice to anybody who has to care for elderly parents is to go to an elder care attorney,” she says. “Because had my brothers done that, it would have saved us a lot of money, and it would have saved us a lot of stress.”
