VIDEO
OK, this is getting a little ridiculous. Two weeks ago we had the trailer for Despicable Me, a great-looking animated movie from Universal. Pixar must have read it and flipped out, locked its entire staff in their offices and did nothing but let cuteness seep from their hands. It’s like shooting Nemos in a barrel (get it? Nemo was a fish! Sorry PETA. Also—I eat grilled chicken every day for lunch). Partly Cloudy is a six-minute short that aired before Up in some theaters and is without question the cutest thing since my nephew’s third birthday. It’s set in a world where clouds create human and animal babies, and then a stork delivers them. How does Pixar repeatedly make the most adorable characters and films? They lock infants and toddlers in a laboratory, pry out their brain matter and harvest their dreams. Those poor kids. But hey—Toy Story was awesome. Well worth the sacrifice.
TRAILER
What is it with professional athletes, clubs and police reports? They always go together. You can take any two of them, and the third is a foregone conclusion: Athlete get arrested with a gun in his sweatpants? Must have happened at a club. Guy arrested at a casino for bouncing million-dollar checks? Gotta be an athlete. God forbid the Steelers and Eagles ever end up in Atlantic City the same weekend as the annual New Jersey police convention is getting underway. Big Fan stars Patton Oswalt as die-hard Giants fan Paul, who follows his favorite player (the made-up Quantrell Bishop) to a nightclub for an autograph. When he finally approaches him, Bishop freaks out and assaults Paul, thus completing our trifecta. Paul’s then left with the dilemma of pressing charges, putting Bishop in jail for years and ruining his team’s future. Big Fan is out August 28, and you can bet the release party will be nowhere near a nightclub.
PICTURES
I made fun of Comic-Con quite a bit last week, but blame that on the fact that Comic-Con is just asking for it. It’s like that kid in grade school who had a bowl cut, long sleeve button-down denim shirt, glasses and more acne than Cameron Diaz (yes I was that kid; yes I’m still pulling out wedgies). But in truth, I like a lot of that stuff—Tron, Lost, superheroes—I just wouldn’t ever attend a widely publicized event dressed like Pikachu. And I sure as hell wouldn’t do it at my wedding. But maybe I’m old-fashioned like that, because judging by this photo gallery, I’m in the minority here (I’m also part Egyptian, so there’s that). Dressing as Shrek and Fiona? Holding light sabers with your groomsmen for a photo op? Walking down the aisle dressed like Boba Fett? W. T. F. In the famous words of Michael Scott: There are no words.
VIDEO
In my first semester of college, my roommate Josh and I pledged a fraternity. Things were going well for the first couple of weeks. Then, on a Wednesday night, we went to the frat house for a “hotel party”—each room in the house has a different drink. So we went from room to room, pushing our BACs higher and higher. Eventually, we stumbled down the stairs to the basement, which, if we’re still using this hotel idea, is not a place you usually go. We found a magical man, dressed in robes riding a unicorn. He gave us strange drinks and more drugs than an entire season of Celebrity Rehab. Then, he led us by torch through a winding tunnel. When we got to the end, a sea of Teletubbies and troll dolls greeted us. Then, he pulled out a laptop, went on YouTube and played us this video. And I haven’t been the same since. (Note: not a word of this is true.)
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In a scienfitic study conducted while I was typing this, it was determined that twitter.com/BradPareso has the best ratio of tweet frequency:tweet length. Not too many, not too few. Not too short, not too long. It’s like the third porridge that Goldilocks actually likes.
