John* knew something was going on. His wife was suddenly different. Three months ago, she had started a new job that both thought was a going to be a great career move for her and a terrific opportunity to establish financial stability. The job entailed some late nights and weekends, but John did not mind.
Being self-employed, John had the time to spend at home with their two-year-old daughter. For a couple of months, things were perfect in their little home. But around Christmas, John noticed some differences in his wife. She was acting differently. Suddenly, there were secrets. Some nights, when she said she was in the office, he could not get her on any of the three phone numbers she had, including the cell phone.
His suspicions grew, and one afternoon when she did not answer her phone he decided to check her messages. It was the one and only time he did. He heard her boss leaving a message, proclaiming his love for her. She was cheating, and when confronted she did not deny it. So began their divorce.
But it was easy for John. Most spouses will cover their tracks to avoid being found out. But they always slip up. In today’s world, electronic footprints are left everywhere. Is your spouse on social networking sites often? Any secret texts? Do you notice things being deleted from phones and email accounts?
If you think your spouse is cheating, here are a few things you can do when you find out:
- Consult with an attorney immediately to learn your rights. There may be more that you are entitled to that you have no idea about.
- Information is power. Gather up as much evidence as you can to prove infidelity, which can have a bearing on custody if the divorce process ensures. Print out emails, text messages, Facebook posts and messages or Twitter postings. Get phone records, too. Even though we are in the “No Fault” divorce era, your spouse’s poor judgment could be weighed as a factor in determining custody and assist in your overall success in divorce court.
- Be vigilant with bank accounts and credit cards. Make sure marital funds haven’t been used to purchase items for their paramour. Common expenditures are things like vacations, drug or alcohol or gambling abuse, unnecessary spending on clothes, plastic surgery, etc. And if you suspect that is the case, consider filing an immediate divorce action to obtain a restraining order on accounts. If marital funds were spent on a paramour you can get credit for that expenditure when it comes time to determine equitable distribution of marital assets.
- Since Oct., 2010, no fault divorce was enacted in New York State and courts are now granting divorce on the grounds of irretrievable breakdown of marriage for past six months. A marriage broken by infidelity is often looked at this manner.
- Keep your cool. If there are children in the home, DO NOT share any of this information with them. Maintain a semblance of order in your home. If you go to court, the judge will want to know what transpired in the home when the infidelity was discovered. Hearing that order was never replaced by chaos and that the children were never involved in the painful discussion of infidelity will mean a great deal and show tremendous maturity in the eyes of the court.
*John is a client of Mejias, Milgim and Alvarado. His name has been changed, but his story is true and unfortunately very common.
This article has been contributed by David Mejias. David is a Partner at the law firm Mejias, Milgrim and Alvarado, P.C. and former Nassau County Legislator where he served three terms. There he led the effort to keep our children safe from sex offenders by sponsoring the toughest Megan’s Notification Law in New York State and sponsored legislation implementing residency restrictions for sex offenders.
