The worst part about fall, besides the increasingly cold temperatures and bizarre enjoyment people get from watching leaves drop off trees (whoopie! dead foliage!), is the shorter days. One upside is I can start writing “Net At Night” earlier in the day. By December I’ll be banging this thing out at 5 p.m. Sure, I’m starting this month’s at 1:22 a.m. That’s because procrastination isn’t seasonal, I suppose.
Papa Can You Hear Me – The three constants I find when combing Trends on Tuesday nights are: Justin Bieber, Prince Poppycock and Glee. “Papa, Can You Hear Me?” was sung by Lea Michele on Tuesday’s episode. Michele is that 90-lb. actress who wore a dress at the 2010 Emmys that looked four sizes too big but adhered to her body through a combination of Hollywood special effects and J. Lo double-sided tape. Teenage girl Glee fans, take note: if you’re not this skinny, you’re obese.
Breast Cancer Awareness I Like It – Facebook is doing this hilarious thing where women post messages like, “I like it on the floor” and “I like it on the table,” except “it” refers to their purse. And then something something something…breast cancer awareness! I don’t know if this is clever or pointless sexual innuendo, but it makes almost as little sense as the pink ribbon charade used every October. “Well, I don’t know about donating money directly to breast cancer research, but I could sure use a new T-shirt with a pink ribbon to show everyone I really care about finding a cure.” After Susan G. Komen succumbed to cancer at the age of 36, her sister set up her namesake charity under the belief widespread knowledge of breast cancer would lead to less deaths. And today, that has manifested in the form of a bunch of self-serving assholes with pink ribbons sewn onto their clothing.
Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent – After seeing 50 Cent’s Twitter as of late (sample: “One of my songs so hard you gonna kill your momma when you hear it. Word to mother lol”) I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a hoax. If it is, it’ll be the funniest thing Chelsea Handler has ever done.
Cigar Guy Tiger Woods – On a much lighter note—although cigars can cause cancer—is this amazing picture taken at the Ryder Cup Saturday where Tiger flubbed a chip shot directly at a photographer’s lens. And even more amazing is this guy standing on the right side with his hands in pockets, a kickass mustache and a cigar in his mouth. He is the most interesting thing to happen to golf since Tiger Woods had sex with half the female population of Earth.
Daniel Ellsberg – This guy worked for the military and leaked a secret history of the Vietnam War to journalists in 1971 and has a documentary about the incident up for an Oscar. “It’s understandable that you don’t have flocks of people doing this, but nobody?” he was quoted as saying at a press junket. Not to knock you down a peg, Danny, but check out WikiLeaks sometime (Have you heard of the Internet?).
Savannah Brinson – LeBron James’ girlfriend, whom he is now engaged to. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say LeBron’s career has been similar to Tiger Woods’, which leads me to my point: Miami is full of women with questionable morals, so be careful. On the plus side, in seven or so years we’ll see him chest-passing the ball into a camera lens with a guy smoking a cigar in the background.
Randy Moss To Vikings – After he did nothing to help the Patriots destroy the Dolphins Monday night, word is Randy Moss might get traded to the Vikings (Wednesday update: traded). I don’t really know a lot about Randy Moss’ career but I always thought the enormous dreadlocks sticking out of the back of his helmet looked like they were eating his head.
Maci Bookout – MTV had this show called 16 and Pregnant about microfinance in third-world countries getting knocked up in 10th grade and that show gave birth (it’s 3:31 a.m. and I find that pun hilarious) to Teen Mom. Maci Bookout is one of the four girls. It must be really hard to raise a child when you’re so young and…what’s that? The girls make $5,000 an episode? And cover gossip magazines regularly? And Maci is friends with Bristol Palin? Why can’t you just play music videos, MTV?
Grilled Cheesus – Glee had a religious theme and one character saw a picture of Jesus on his grilled cheese. I could really go for a grilled cheese right now. Or any food, really. So could Lea Michele.
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I got the new Twitter redesign a few weeks ago. It’s pretty slick looking and makes good use of the entire screen. But now Twitter is taking paid sponsorship for actual accounts. Whoa whoa whoa. Paid sponsorships? You mean to tell me Twitter wants to make money?