I was driving home Tuesday night, just minding my own business on the Northern State, when I saw one of the overhead electronic screens—the ones that say “Traffic moving well to exit 34” when you’re five miles from exit 34 and haven’t moved in 15 minutes—and it read, “NSP closed exit 40.” So I jump on the LIE. And what greeted me after less than two miles? “LIE closed exit 49.” And no, I didn’t see any work being done, apart from the extra lanes being tacked on to the overpass of Route 110 by the LIE. Because there aren’t potholes the size of moon craters all over the place that need to be filled.
Tantra Sexuality—It’s 2:30 a.m., and this is the No. 1 search on Google for the past three hours. Don’t ever change, Internet. I love you.
Ken Olin—Ken Olin is an actor from the TV show Brothers & Sisters, which I don’t watch because it’s about incest (I think that’s a fair assumption, much like assuming Two and a Half Men is about two gay guys and a midget). And it looks like he is popular tonight because he will be appearing alongside his daughter Roxy on an episode of The City. In last month’s “Net at Night” installment, fellow The City “star” Freddie Fackelmayer—yes, that is what his parents named him—was big on Google. Is the requirement to be cast on an MTV reality show that your name be terrible?
Fan Falls From Upper Deck—Does not have anything to do with desk fans or the baseball card company. What actually happened was a fan trying to catch a foul ball at a Texas Rangers game fell from the upper deck. Give him an “A” for effort and a “D” for “dude, I hope that foul ball sells for a lot on eBay to cover your hospital bills.”
Cheerleader Nation—A TV series on Lifetime. I like when shows are on Lifetime, because it tells me immediately the show is unwatchable. BTW, did you know a Connecticut court is deciding whether cheerleading is a sport? Hey, Connecticut, let me save you guys some time so you can get back to your boat shoes and watching the Yale football team figure out how to hold a football—cheerleaders wear tiny skirts, jump up and down and tell me to “Be aggressive.” Is that a sport? Absolutely, and it’s the greatest one ever made.
LeBron James Twitter—King James joined Twitter. He’s pretty late to the party, but it doesn’t matter because the Lakers’ Ron Artest is the greatest pro basketball player on Twitter. Proof? “i think i focus best in a jacuzzi setting,” and “I’m bout to unscramble my eggs.” Hilarious. Check and mate, LeBron.
Wesley Sneijder—Good ol’ Wes here plays on the Netherlands’ World Cup team, and his excellent game against Brazil and second-half goal were instrumental in taking his team to the finals. He is the subject of a bidding war between various pro soccer teams, and his wife, the as-hot-as-her-name-is-difficult-to-pronounce Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen spends her free time escorting senior citizens across the street while wearing lingerie. Unfortunately, based on his name I feel like he’ll be guest-starring in an upcoming episode of The City.
Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne—This pair of wonderful people is dating. Here are some other pairings I enjoy equally as much: Rat poison and the Ebola virus. Walking blindfolded onto a highway and cooking pasta with water from the Gulf Coast. Flying a kite during a lightning storm and sun tanning on the sun.
Circle Contact Lenses—Lady Gaga wore circle contacts in the video for “Bad Romance,” and now all the trendy kids with skinny jeans and $400 plaid shirts want them too. I’ve been wearing glasses since third grade, you know, because I can’t see without them, and like two years after that it became the cool thing to do, like everybody else wanted to be called “four-eyes” and pushed off the swings at recess. Now it’s the same deal with contacts? Contacts are a pain in the ass to wear and these circle ones make you look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Teenagers are awkward enough as it is—cracking voices, acne, pitiful social skills—they don’t need freakish eyeballs.
Pro Arctic Laser—The Pro Arctic Laser is so powerful it can set fire to skin and blind permanently. Unfortunately, it looks too similar to a lightsaber, so George Lucas is demanding it stop being produced. And just like that, nerds were made powerless by the man they worshipped.
Justin Bieber Hates Koreans—It’s 4:08 a.m. (5:08 p.m. in Korea) and this is the No. 1 search on Google. Just when Brody Jenner and idiot baseball fans and contact lenses were getting me down. You’re the best, Internet. Good night.
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I forgot to check Twitter last night, so let’s see…a trending topic is #theresalwaysthat1 (“There’s always that one,” for people who prefer to read real words). So, #theresalwaysthat1 person who leaves water spills on the kitchen counter at the office. So annoying!