Tom Cruise is dead? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Who’s going to jump on Oprah’s couches? Who’s going to make creepy videos promoting a cult? Who’s going to scream at Matt Lauer (besides his wife)? Who’s going to star in horrible romantic comedies as a spy who is dating/married to a woman who is totally unaware he is, in fact, a spy?!?! Well, Ashton Kutcher, I guess.
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Actually, none of this is a concern, because Tommy Cruise is in fact alive. PRAISE BE TO L. RON HUBBARD! AND SCIENCE!
How did the rumor start? Who knows, it’s a rumor. How did that Bobby Brown is dead rumor start?
Here’s my working theory: Katie Holmes got drunk at a party in Hollywood and said, “Me and Tom are such a great couple. I’m butter and Tom Cruise is bread.” And then Amy Winehouse was in another stratosphere after taking God knows what and heard, “Tom Cruise is dead,” and she screamed out “TOM CRUISE IS DEAD I LOVE DRUGS!!!!!” and ran through the club, knocking over tables and bumping into people.
Yeah, that’s what probably happened.
