So the lie compounds. I go outside, and I’m like, “Give me more information.” And they keep going, “It’s the pilot, it’s the pilot.” And two days later, Southwest is saying, “Oh it wasn’t the pilot.” But they don’t change the information on their blog. So it’s just a lie.
And like, I don’t give a shit. And everyone’s going, “he’s fat,” for the next fucking three days. Everyone in the world telling me I’m fat, everyone on the networks telling me I’m fat. Entertainment Tonight put a fucking chicken, a fat suit, and puts it on a plane.
And I said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how to say this. For 15 years, I’ve been completely honest with everybody. I believe in honesty. And I’ve been saying I’m fat, for 15 years.”
This ain’t about fat. They obfuscated the fucking truth with my fat. Which really bums me out. They used my own fat against me. They hid behind my fat. That’s my job, to hide in my fat! They hid behind the fat.
They were just like, “We bounced him, it was wrong, but like, he’s fat. Let’s just point out the fat thing.” And then all of a sudden, people really get up tight about it. Because there’s so much fucking contempt for fat people in this country.
Which I had not realized. Because for 15 years, I haven’t been called fat. I’ve been out there saying I’m fat, and people go, “Oh, he’s not fat. He’s Silent Bob!” But now, for the first time in 15 years, I totally got discriminated against, based on my appearance.
And it had nothing to do with my appearance. But that’s what they put out there. Like that’s the sexy story that everybody wants to write. And because the rest of the world likes that story, nobody wants to hear the story of how I got wrongly bounced off the airline.
Which I’m fine with. But I was so mad at the press. Because like for 15 years, I’ve done nothing but tell you the truth. And give you interesting shit to write about. And this one time when you coulda come to my aid, all you did was let me dangle, And let these fuckers call me fat. Heartbreaking, heartbreaking. A corporation lie.
Now, this is not different from what happens to everybody who fucking travels on Southwest sometimes, if you’re a person of size. My point is this—I don’t care about Southwest Airlines. But I’m urging anybody, 200 pounds or more, don’t go anywhere near Southwest Airlines.
It’s not worth the risk. You will get humiliated. They can lift you up in front of 200 people, even though you’re within your rights to stay there. And make people think you’re fat. And tell people in the world, “Like, he is fat! Like look at him, he’s fat.”
You see what I’m sayin’? Like you guys fucked me out of a seat, and it had nothing to do with weight. Then you went out and started telling people that I was fat. Even though I was saying, like, “Hey man, I tweeted it first.”
Because I got bounced in front of 200 people, somebody was bound to write it. But I’m gonna own it. I’m a fucking comic. So I’m gonna be like, “Hey man, this hurts. But I’m gonna turn my pain into fucking comedy.”
So I did that. And for my trouble I got called fat, all week, by a bunch of people. And realized an important lesson—that’s there’s a lot of fucking fate hate out there still. And because of my job, I’ve been protected from it, and that’s cool.
But now I feel bad. My eyes are open, and I don’t know, I can’t go back to sleep at this point. Now I’m gonna be like fucking Jake Sully in Avatar, except it’ll be fucking Fatatar! I’m gonna lead all these fat people!
Because two out of three Americans are fat, obese or overweight. There’s more of us than there are of the skinny people. And you’all are gonna get fucking eaten one day! God forbid we don’t turn into zombies!
Q: So I guess nobody will ever see Cop Out playing on Southwest flights.
KS: Ha! Absolutely. Good point. Thanks, be talkin’ to ya!
