Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant 2/4
(Universal Pictures, Rated PG-13)
Serving up a slightly kinder and gentler vampire, Cirque Du Freak attempts a little screen sorcery with the popular Darren Shan Young Adult series in question. But while aiming for a defanged teen-friendly middle ground between hip and creepy, director Paul Weitz’s (American Pie) fable fails to satisfy as either.
An unwieldy hybrid of midnight madness and afterschool special, Cirque Du Freak finds restless teen Darren (Chris Massoglia), aka Mister Perfect because of his good grades, and his sullen best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) sauntering off to the circus that’s just stopped by their boring ’burb. Following bizarre featured acts that include a man with two bellies and magic maven spider charmer Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly), Steve steals the magician’s supersized spider and hides it in his locker at school. Which leads to all sorts of tragic, when not oddly merry, predicaments along the way.
John C. Reilly and Chris Massoglia star in Cirque Du Freak.
When Steve is bitten by the captive spider and falls gravely ill, Darren in desperation strikes up a bargain with Crepsley to serve as his half-vampire slave in exchange for the antidote, as well as a promise to save the boy from the malevolent clutches of pudgy oxymoronic Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris). And like any self-respecting teen, Darren is turned on by the idea of dumping his dysfunctional kin for the freak family circus clan—though Crepsley’s bearded significant other, Madame Truska (Salma Hayek), voices stern disapproval about sharing sorcerer quality time with the kid interloper.
This exceedingly unscary vampire yarn fails to find a tone solidly anchored in either giddy or gore as it veers between the two, while punch lines tend to upstage puncture wounds. And sustaining a rating of PG-13 means that not a whole lot of exchange of bodily fluids is in store.
There are some incidental lessons to be learned about vampire culture, but none of the cautionary kind, including the distinction between evil vampires and virtuous ones, the latter known as the Vampanese, who happen not to be into killing humans, but “just sedating and draining them for a while.” Too bad Cirque Du Freak is more sedating and draining than it is killer.
