Dry Martino: No mor txtN 4me

OK. I’m making a new rule, and I suggest—nay command—all of you to heed my warning. It will save you lots of trouble and grief, and improve your relationships immeasurably. Are you ready? Here it is:

Do not try to communicate anything important with text messages.

In fact, unless you are completely, unequivocally sure that you have made your point clear, don’t click send. Just dial the number and speak to someone. It will work better.

I was reminded of this after a very recent foible, when I was asked a simple question: “Are you still at work?”

I answered simply, “Y.”

What a mistake, because that “y,” which meant “yes,” was read as a flippant, cold, non-committal answer that I am unfortunately too apt to offer. I am a Pisces Bastard, after all, so it would coincide with my unattractive penchant for avoidance. See, if “y” meant “why” in this regard, then yeah, I’m lame. But I meant to say “yes,” because I was still at work and was going to be for some time. Imagine if I had either finished the word with “es,” or—heaven forbid—made a phone call, the rest of the night and the next day would have gone a lot smoother.

I love texting, as most of us do. I complain about being connected, but since I am connected, I take advantage. For example, I went on a five-mile hike over the weekend at Tobyhanna State Park in Pennsylvania. It was a Sunday. The Giants were on. Thanks to technology, I was able to keep tabs on Big Blue as they ravaged the Oakland Raiders. Every now and then, I just went to NFL.com. So sue me. I figured I had the best of all worlds. A day outside with friends and my little girl and just a thumb-tap away from football is the upside of being connected.

But a text miscommunication is very much the downside.

Jokes can be misconstrued. Humor can be erased. I think I’m a funny guy. I try to be clever in my e-mails and texts to friends. I think that a well-timed, one-word text to someone can be the joke of the month. Even of the year. Over the summer, while hanging with some friend out east, we got a text from another one of the crew who was across town in his own house with his family, which included his 1-year-old niece. At our house, we were sipping (yes, sipping) wine and laughing loudly. And then the text came.

“Baby crying.”

I began laughing out loud and passed the phone around. Then the second one came in.

“Brother frowning.”

I hope you get the joke, because we all were choking with laughter. Great texts, great timing, message clear. That’s when it all works out.

To compound the problem, my clumsy fingers are stymied by the tiny buttons on my BlackBerry. Too often, when I mean to ask “Are you around later,” I instead pound out and send “Afe yt ar7ns lattew.” To an untrained text reader, it may look like I am on the very tip of the text-speak spear, stabbing everyone with my cellular wit. But those who know me are aware that I am just smashing the buttons like I smash everything else. Imagine Steinbeck’s Lenny trying to text

George about the rabbits and you are pretty close.

Communication can be tough enough without technology screwing it up for us. Sadly, I will probably commit the same sin in the future. A joke will go bad, or I’ll mistakenly tell someone their mom is uglier than she really is. You have to be careful before you hit send. I found out what grief the “y” text caused in a later e-mail, and in the first sentence it mentioned the text miscommunication. I called my friend, laughing, to say that the “y” meant yes. She asked me if I read the rest of the e-mail.

“Why?” I asked.

Follow DryMartino on Twitter.