Dry Martino: I’m A Pisces Bastard

You hate us. You don’t need us. We lie. We cheat. We don’t communicate. We avoid. We’re inattentive, selfish and lazy. We even smell funny. Men just suck, right?

So, ladies, why do you stick around, then? Seriously, what do men have to offer—except for the obvious—that would make you even remotely interested in a man?

This weekend a friend showed me a book that she thinks is just hilarious. It is called How To Spot A Bastard By His Star Sign. It is not new, as the good people of Thomas Dunne Books published this incredible, hate-filled tome in 2002. The writers, too cheery, cheeky ladies named Adele Lang and Susi Rajah, packed enough negative sentiment and wry “Girlfriend” logic into the book that it could pass as pro-terrorism propaganda.

The book breaks down every man by astrological sign. Each sign is described, and the authors tell you if it is a good man or a bad man. I’m going to spoil the story for you, though and tell you that all men suck. Every damn one of us.
I was particularly rattled by the chapter on my sign, which says I am not to be dated, trusted, married or anything else that would impact a woman’s life.

My sign, say Lang and Rajah, is at the ass-end of the Zodiac. It refers to Pisces as “the astrological trash can.” All of the horribly bad traits of the other signs collide to form the Zodiac’s fish, a water sign.

I have always read good things about the Pisces. The sign is very often known for creativity, music and capability of great, deep love. On the other side of the coin, though—there is always another side—the Pisces is flaky, flighty and too much of a dreamer. Of the latter three things, I am guilty. The same goes for the former claims.

The book says I am a pathological liar, and if I tell you it is 2:30 p.m., you had better double check it. I am also wildly popular and love to play the martyr. Break up with a Pisces and the world will not understand, because everyone loves a Pisces.

So there. That’ll teach you to break a Pisces’ heart.

But wait. Before you think that Pisces is the only sign that sucks, according to the authors, they all do. In fact, every sign is nothing but a one-way street to misery and heartache. Even the good ones. For example, the Earth signs are very stable, good guys. They won’t break a woman’s heart, but “they’ll bore you to death. Preferably sooner rather than later.”

And you ladies wonder why you can’t find a man, what with all this hate!

Sex with a Taurus bastard is robotic and hideous. Sex with a Pisces bastard is better (High five! But the Pisces is so deft at lying, he’ll convince you it did not happen). A Scorpio dude will manipulate you to death. In fact, it is his mission in life, and he will not stop until you are ruined for the world. He is also a sex maniac. A bad one. He’s depraved, a pervert even, and beyond saving. A Capricorn bastard is so regimented, if you want to know when he is going to make the big move to the bedroom, “Go snooping in his P.D.A. He’ll have it scheduled in.”

The Libra is a lost, confused bastard. Aquarius guys are so agreeable, they will admit to being bastards. And any translation in this book of positive adjectives swings wildly to the negative. Consider this passage about the water signs, Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces: “For deep, sensitive and sensual” read “secretive, paranoid and seriously perverted.” Some ladies see a problem with that.

I see adventure.

Many of the gender-specific traits of the Zodiac do not translate, but the foundations are the same. I am not sure if the male counterpart to this book is out there. It may be soon. (Calling literary agents) Probably couldn’t get away with putting the female equivalent of the word ‘bastard’ on the cover, either. It also starts with a “B,” though. And realistically, the book meant to be funny. I hope. Nobody should be that bitter. I had this image of them writing away in an apartment in NYC, cats walking around, an iTunes playlist of women folk artists blaring. But I really hope they were laughing.

Even in jest, the book is a sad statement on how men and women perceive each other today. It’s hard to get along. No book, formula or website can make sense of it all. Only this column can, because it is written by a Pisces. And everyone loves a Pisces.

Believe that.

Follow DryMartino on Twitter at twitter.com/drymartino.