In addition to keeping people abreast of the latest and greatest trash useless crap disgusting college videos ridiculous movie trailers starring people I hate stuff on the Internet (while simultaneously imposing a communist China-like ban on anything involving two women and one drinking apparatus), “NBN” also does a little community service from time to time. It volunteers at soup kitchens (never-ending soup, salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden), gives a scholarship to one lucky high schooler (which I expect fully repaid plus 90 percent interest) and sponsors a stretch of highway (the exit 73 entrance ramp on the L.I.E.).
Propaganda!
This month’s PSA is on drinking and driving. We’re gonna get serious for a second, so sit up and listen like good little boys and girls. Driving drunk is one of the most dangerous and reckless acts somebody can commit, and I’ve nearly come to fists with friends who insisted on manning the wheel.
But drinking and driving? Not necessarily that bad, so put away the torches and pitchforks (we’re not storming the Beast’s castle with Gaston here). There are plenty of things you can drink while driving—Capri Sun, hydrogen peroxide, a bottle of NyQuil—and still be perfectly capable of controlling a vehicle. Similarly, there’s lots of stuff you can drive while getting wasted—a car in Cruis’n USA, an RC car, one of those water bumper cars at Adventureland—and people won’t be in danger. It’s like when Winona Ryder pulls up at the mall and everyone gets all fidgety. Or when I walk into the gym and everyone gets all upset because I’m going to be using all the weight plates because I lift so much. Chill out people.
Also, don’t drive drunk. Idiots.
Allen Iverson to Play Basketball in Turkey
