Long Island Press Long Island Press
Serving the opinion leaders of Long Island
Long Island Press Long Island Press
Long Island Press Long Island Press
  • Home
  • Long Island News
  • Columns
  • Entertainment News
  • Living
  • Special Series
  • CURRENT LONGISLANDPRESS.COM
  • SECTIONS
    • Home
    • Long Island News
    • Columns
    • Entertainment News
    • Living
    • Special Series
    • CURRENT LONGISLANDPRESS.COM

Hula Is The Future Of Organized Crime

by Brad Pareso on August 17, 2009

Here on Long Island, in New York and along the entire East Coast in general, our organized crime is no joke—there’s gangs, the Mob, women networking groups and so on and so forth. On the other side of the country, though, things work a little bit differently (not surprising considering this guy is running the show over there). While we worry about drive-by shootings and being fitted with cement shoes before being given a tour of the bottom of the Hudson, they worry about missing high tide and how long the line is at In-N-Out.

The blood! The mayhem! The carnage!

The blood! The mayhem! The carnage!

But perhaps the biggest crime wave sweeping the greater San Francisco area is the hula ambush. The outbreak is so recent that statisticians haven’t put together concrete figures, but early estimates peg the epidemic as affecting tens of tens of people (like a hundred, tops). The current family running the show—the “Gambinos of the West,” so to speak—is Nā Lei Hulu I Ka Wēkiu (no I don’t have the faintest idea how to pronounce that). They did a hit and run hula across San Fran and one survivor managed to capture the carnage on video. It ain’t pretty. The word coming out of Washington today is that immediate legislation is being pushed through to properly corral these lunatics, while local police departments are being issued special equipment and SWAT teams are being flown in from all corners of the U.S. And that might not be enough—the level of synchronization on display here means this gang is well-versed in group tactics and won’t go down easy.

In an effort to keep the masses educated, anybody that comes face-to-face with these hooligans can feel free to tweet me and I’ll get the message out to the rest of the world. It’ll be like when Iranians were tweeting about their election, except that The Governator could totally beat the crap out of Mahmoud Ahmabadleaderinejad.

Columns, Nothing But Net
Arnold SchwarzeneggerGangsHulaMafiaOrganized CrimeSan FranciscoWeb
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gangs, Hula, Mafia, Organized Crime, San Francisco, Web
About the Author
Brad Pareso
You might also dig
 

Arnold Classic 2011: Schwarzenegger at Arnold Classic

by Rashed Mian on March 5, 2011
The Arnold Classic 2011 kicks off in Ohio on Saturday and the special guest…Arnold Schwarzenegger. The classic consists of 45 competitions for men and women and 13 Olympic games. Saturday is also the same day that body builders will compete to win [...]
 

Summer 2010 Movie Previews

by Prairie Miller on June 4, 2010
. While summer is the season prized for absolutely nothing—as in vacation getaways, school recess and scaled back aspirations—it’s the time when Hollywood always kicks into high gear, unloading its wide-range of good, bad and worse stash of sequels, [...]
 

Steroids on Long Island: Inside Our Juicehead Culture

by Brad Pareso on May 6, 2010
Xavier* was 20 when he knew he had to quit using steroids. He was sitting in his Dodge Durango outside a Gold’s Gym in Suffolk County. A needle and syringe sat on the passenger seat next to him, along with a gym bag and water bottle. Looking to get what [...]
Long Island Press is a registered trademark of Schneps Communications. © 2017. All rights reserved.