Hula Is The Future Of Organized Crime

Here on Long Island, in New York and along the entire East Coast in general, our organized crime is no joke—there’s gangs, the Mob, women networking groups and so on and so forth. On the other side of the country, though, things work a little bit differently (not surprising considering this guy is running the show over there). While we worry about drive-by shootings and being fitted with cement shoes before being given a tour of the bottom of the Hudson, they worry about missing high tide and how long the line is at In-N-Out.

The blood! The mayhem! The carnage!

But perhaps the biggest crime wave sweeping the greater San Francisco area is the hula ambush. The outbreak is so recent that statisticians haven’t put together concrete figures, but early estimates peg the epidemic as affecting tens of tens of people (like a hundred, tops). The current family running the show—the “Gambinos of the West,” so to speak—is Nā Lei Hulu I Ka Wēkiu (no I don’t have the faintest idea how to pronounce that). They did a hit and run hula across San Fran and one survivor managed to capture the carnage on video. It ain’t pretty. The word coming out of Washington today is that immediate legislation is being pushed through to properly corral these lunatics, while local police departments are being issued special equipment and SWAT teams are being flown in from all corners of the U.S. And that might not be enough—the level of synchronization on display here means this gang is well-versed in group tactics and won’t go down easy.

In an effort to keep the masses educated, anybody that comes face-to-face with these hooligans can feel free to tweet me and I’ll get the message out to the rest of the world. It’ll be like when Iranians were tweeting about their election, except that The Governator could totally beat the crap out of Mahmoud Ahmabadleaderinejad.