Try as we might, we just can’t avoid them. These are the people who couldn’t be ignored in 2012, the ones who appeared like an annoying Jack-in-the-Box at every turn. It needs to stop in 2013. Let’s make it happen.
1. TAYLOR SWIFT
Taylor, you’re beautiful. You’re sweet. You are an excellent role model. But we never, ever, ever want to hear another one of your sappy preadolescent, written-in-60-seconds love songs again. And when you win your 90th award courtesy of your legion of 12-year-old girl fans, you can leave your open-mouthed shocked face at home. It was cute in the beginning, but enough is enough. As for the army of boy band members you’ve dated, we are tired of hearing about them. Stop picking out baby names on the third date and scaring them away. But if you insist on maintaining a merry-go-round of boyfriends so you can continue churning out useless country pop, at least hook up with guys more interesting than Joe Jonas and Harry Styles, so the next time we turn the radio on and hear you droning on about the latest prince to break your heart we won’t want to crash head-on into a semi-tractor trailer.
2. THE KARDASHIANS
From Kim’s 72-day marriage to her over-hyped big rear, sex tape and arrogant, idiot boyfriend Kanye West, to all the publicity stunts you expect the public to be dumb enough to believe, not to mention those ridiculous Christmas cards, there isn’t an iota of talent among this tribe to be had. The epitome of being famous for being famous, the Kardashians wouldn’t know how to function without at least three cameras rolling at all times. Even Kate Middleton gave Kim’s trashy and cheap clothing line the royal “nope!” We’re not really sure why this family is well known or what they actually do or why every one of them has a name that begins with a K. But their fame can all be attributed to a murder trial and a porn flick—Klassy!
3. CHRIS BROWN/RIHANNA
We’re still not sure how Rihanna could call Chris Brown the love of her life after he bit and battered her face. We’re not into holding grudges, but after his continued violent outbursts and his recent Twitter feud with Jenny Johnson, it’s probably safe to assume this guy still has some issues, especially with women. And Rihanna, comparing your relationship to that of Whitney Houston—who is now dead—and Bobby Brown, who was just charged with yet another DUI, isn’t something we’d be bragging about. But to each his own. It’s none of our business, like you say. Unfortunately until you stop posting half-naked pics of each other and possible engagement rings online for every gossip site to latch onto, we’re stuck with each other. We’ll do our part, but the ball is in your court now…
4. LINDSAY LOHAN
Lindsay, you were adorable in Parent Trap but since then you have been arrested repeatedly, had multiple car crashes, stolen jewelry, allegedly didn’t pay your taxes, had an out-of-control lesbian relationship, reportedly run over multiple pedestrians and were charged with punching a psychic in the face. Oh, and your whole family is bat-shiz crazy. As your gallery of mug shots continues to grow, with much of your dysfunction taking place right here on Long Island, whether it’s your mom fighting Carvel employees or your dad revealing he had a secret child, you always manage to top yourself. It’s not that we don’t want to hear about your latest escapades. You are by far the most entertaining person on this list. But we feel we have a moral obligation to put your name here because the road you’re on leads nowhere good. We want you to go away—preferably to rehab.
5. KRISTEN STEWART/ROBERT PATTINSON
We don’t get any of the hoopla around KStew and RPatz, but we can only assume it’s being fueled by the tween demographic. Despite the whole “trampire” saga, just like vampires, your relationship never seems to die and we continue to have your faces stare at us from the cover of tabloids on the check-out line. Kristen, try smiling once in awhile. Rob, have some self respect. Your girlfriend cheats on you, and you take her back like nothing ever happened? You seem like the perfect sap to be pushed around long-term. Let’s kill two birds with one stone: Rob, have you met Taylor Swift?