If I was told by a doctor that I had one day to live, I wouldn’t even take the time to give the sad news to my loved ones.
I would jump into a cab and rush to the closest airport and I would run up to the Cinnabon store in the airport lobby and eat about 20 of those ooey, gooey, delicious cinnamon buns.
Whenever I pass a Cinnabon store (and there is one in every airport), I can smell the cinnamon and sugar from 20 feet away and it takes every bit of willpower I have not to do a half-gainer into a sticky, sweet cinnamon bun.
But I have never succumbed to the temptation because I know that Cinnabons are filled with sugar and gook that is bad for me. So I’m waiting for the day when I’m about to die and have nothing to lose.
I write this so that you know that when it comes to food, I know what’s good for me and what food I should avoid. And also to let you know a fear that I have: that someday Mayor Michael Bloomberg will break my heart over a lamb chop.
I love lamb chops and, if the truth were known, I love Mayor Bloomberg. I think he would make a wonderful president. Far better than the handsome, clueless bozo with the great voice that we have in office now.
But the issue is not something as trivial as who is going to lead us out of this mess and save the country. The issue is lamb chops.
I love lamb chops.
But lamb chops are filled with delicious fat. Show me a lean lamb chop and I will show you a lousy lamb chop.
So we all know that sooner or later that lamb chop fat is going to get into my bloodstream and the next thing you know, kaput!
If I grab my chest and die on the spot, that’s good for the city, but if I grab my chest and live that means hospital stays and then the next thing you know everyone has to pay for my stupid love of lamb chops.
This is the basis of every new Bloomberg food rule.
Now I feel I must reveal that my cholesterol count is under 120. I have the cholesterol count of one of those Peruvian Indians whose diet consists of eating bark off of trees. Talk about roughage.
Sooner or later Mayor Bloomberg is going to go after meat, all sorts of meat. It has fat, and any pimply faced, emaciated vegetarian will tell you meat is a killer. I suspect Bloomberg will ban all meat, but as he usually does, he will start with a small ban. So I will be allowed to buy one lamb chop from my butcher, but it must be trimmed well and I can only get one lamb chop per week.
You remember how Nanny Bloomberg first started to take care of us. He went after smoking. Banned cigarettes from bars and restaurants and, since everyone hates smoking, Bloomberg had everyone’s vote on killing cigarettes. Government going after something or someone everyone hates. That’s how it always starts.
Then came salt. Bloomberg hates salt. It’s … it’s … it’s … so salty. And it causes high blood pressure.
Bloomberg lost my parents’ vote on salt. They both lived into their 90s and my dad outlived, by 20 years, one doctor who told him to cut out salt.
When my dad’s doctor kicked the bucket, my dad said, “Maybe if he had put some salt on his food he would still be alive today.”
Then, of course, Bloomberg went after trans fats in restaurants and food stores, and that meant we should not eat potato chips or just about any salty, greasy snacks that taste good.
Now he’s after the 16-ounce bottles of sodas and soft drinks in his latest effort to fight obesity in this day of triple bacon cheeseburgers. He’s proposing a ban on large servings of soda and other sugary drinks.
Bloomberg is a smart man who doesn’t want to accept the fact that, sadly, sweets and salt and fats are the only good things in the lives of many poor obese people.
The truth is you can’t legislate good health. There is a reason McDonald’s is so successful. People love the taste of their lousy food. (For the record, I’m addicted to their Sausage Egg McMuffin.) Take McDonald’s food away from obese people, and they will find somebody else’s tasty bad food to destroy their bodies.
Help young people find jobs and a better life and the smart ones will have more to live for and will change the way they eat. The dumb ones won’t work and will continue to eat bad foods and they will die younger. That’s the way it’s been since the beginning of time.