This column is a plea to Charles Schumer. Chucky baby, lay off, I beg you, lay off.
It started when Barack “The New York Times’ leaks say I’m doing a great job” Obama accidentally took on the Catholic Church.
It seems that Obama Care mandates faith-based hospitals, charities and schools to provide birth control and reproductive services for all the employees in their health insurance plans. That includes priests and nuns. The Catholic Church, of course, objected.
If Obama had made that suggestion at Saint Simon and Jude in my old neighborhood in Brooklyn when I lived there, Sister Mary Alice, a very, very tough old nun, would have slammed him across his knuckles with a ruler before his Secret Service guards could stop her.
Wisely, Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack “I try to kill at least one al-Qaeda member a day” Obama retreated from his position and announced that insurance companies—not the government—would pay for free birth control and reproductive services. Naturally the church objected to that and the war began. No one on the Republican side had the presence of mind to call it “The Democrats’ War on Religion.”
Then some smart Democratic ad guy decided if most Republicans think that all these years of women buying and paying for their own birth control was fine, and these same Republicans are against Obama Care, this means they object to the government paying for free birth control for every woman in the country. Thus “The Republicans’ War on Women” was born.
Chuck, no one with a brain believes that Republicans are waging a war against women. Especially when you read the latest surveys that show 52 percent of women oppose Obama Care. Are you saying more than half the women in this country are waging a war against themselves? “The War on Women” is campaign bull crap and you know it.
But Chuck, if Obama Care wants to hand out birth control pills like jelly beans, they will also be obligated to hand out free condoms for men.
I would suggest that every male from the age of 16 receives 10 free condoms a week in the mail. Of course, for men over 60, the government need send only one free condom a month. Failure to do this will be seen as “The Democrats’ War on Men.”
Why am I so ticked off? Because, Chuck, every week I get an e-mail under your name, from your office, that starts out “Dear Democrat.”
Then you have the chutzpah to ask me to send $50, or as much as I can, to help Obama in his valiant fight to destroy those Republicans who are waging a War on Women.
Chuck, I am many things, but the one thing that I am not is a Democrat.
Do you want to know my politics? Here’s what I believe:
I am against telling people how to live. It’s none of my business.
If people are pro-life, I’m fine with that. If they are pro-choice, I’m fine with that, too.
If gays want to get married, I think that’s wonderful.
If Latinos come to this country to find work, why not? They’re good people.
In the end, it’s none of my business.
Here’s what should scare you, Chuck. I’m a Republican and there are millions of Republicans and Independents who feel the same way I do.
And for every Rick Santorum we have, you have a Dennis Kucinich.
We have Newt Gingrich. You have Nancy Pelosi.
You have Harry Reid. We have Mitch McConnell.
No need to hoard these dopes—both parties have enough dopes to go around.
The truth is Republicans and Democrats are much better people than you politicians who represent and try to divide us.
Now, should I be wrong about all this and should one day in the mail I receive a notice from the Republican Party that reads, “Greetings, you have been drafted in the Republican Party’s War on Women,” you have my word, Chuck, that I will do as so many Della Feminas have done in wars before: I will surrender.
I expect to be put into a prisoner-of-war camp, and if my women guards have been reading the erotic best seller Fifty Shades of Grey, I will allow them to tie me up with a clothesline and tickle me with feathers.
And I promise never to invoke the Geneva Convention.