I wish I had a cigarette. I know I told the people of America that I quit but hell, I’ve told them so many things that were not true, how’s a measly cigarette going to make a difference?
It’s my health, isn’t it? And, talking about contradictions, I was smoking a pack a day when I gave the country Obama Healthcare.
I admit 57 percent of the country didn’t want my kind of healthcare. That’s why I had a Congress I controlled shove it down their throats. By 2016 we will have the same healthcare as Canada—lousy, but cheap.
I owe those Occupy Wall Street idiots a lot. They came up with the 99 percent vs. 1 percent rap that I’ve adopted. Speaking of idiots, those Republicans who are screaming about class warfare are playing right into my hands. If the Republicans had any brains, they would change the topic away from 99 percent vs. 1 percent, to 55 percent vs. 45 percent. That’s where the 55 percent who have jobs and health insurance and pay 100 percent of the taxes compare themselves with my loyal constituents, the 45 percent who don’t have jobs and don’t pay taxes. Maybe not a whole cigarette. Maybe just one puff.
Sooner or later I’m going to have to come after that 55 percent anyway. The way I see it, if your household earns over $150,000 a year, I want the 45 percent that don’t pay taxes to have their fair share of that tax money.
I don’t want to jinx myself, but I think I have the election sewed up. I must admit that before the Republican debates, my record was so dismal that if they had sewn Rick Perry’s mouth shut he would have beaten me.
Now between that quack Newt Gingrich, and that little twerp Ron Paul, and that religious stiff Rick Santorum, I have it made. I wonder on the day I start my campaign if I should dust off my great promise when I got the nomination in 2008. I remember what I said:
“I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless.”
I can’t believe I had the nerve to say that in 2008 and so many people believed me. Boy, no one can spew that crap better than I can. What bull. What pure unadulterated bull. But it worked. So now I have to get re-elected. What can I take credit for?
Well, it can’t be jobs. There are more people out of work than ever before. I guess I can blame corporate America and a Republican House for that. When I think of my foreign policy, I really need a cigarette.
Let’s see. First I punted when Iran had riots. The rioters never heard an encouraging word from me. So I got scared—big deal. Then I threw Hosni Mubarak under the bus and it looks like I turned Egypt, a great friend in the Middle East, into a formidable enemy. I led from behind in Libya, and I’m looking to lead from the middle in Syria. But anyway you look at it, Islamist forces are slowly taking over every country in the Middle East. The Arab Spring is turning into the Arab Winter, and we’re going to be left out in the cold.
Iran is stronger than ever, and it will have the bomb in a few years. I’ve ended our presence in Iraq, and they are blowing themselves up again. I’m going to give Afghanistan to the Taliban, and I will blame George W. Bush for going there in the first place. I really wish I had a cigarette.
How am I going to explain gas prices going wild? I’ve stopped pipelines, I’ve halted drilling—I can always blame it on those 1 percent rich, selfish people who are keeping the 99 percent of us from breathing clean air. I say, tax the rich until they, along with our country, turn green.
Besides, the rich have those expensive cars. I will propose that the owner of any registered car that gets less than 30 miles per gallon be subjected to a special Gas Tax. So they have to pay their fair share. I really need a cigarette. At this time of night, I would settle for smelling a dirty ashtray.
I can’t be complacent. I’m going to have to make some changes. It’s going to be tough to tell “Bumbling Joe” Biden that he’s history. He’s such a sweet, loyal little dope. But I can’t take any chances. It’s time for me to run with Hillary Clinton as my vice president. I’ve got to divert any talk about my accomplishments. I’m going to turn this country into a country George Soros can be proud of.
My goal is modest. I just want to show history that I’m a slightly better president than Jimmy Carter.