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The Charlie Sheen “OD” Lottery


Charlie Sheen is going to die. No one wants it to happen, but no one can stop him.

There is nothing you or I can do about it.

Don’t feel so bad. He wants to die. Charlie is a drug addict and a dead man.


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No, the hookers won’t kill him (the only things hookers kill are marriages and political careers), and the alcohol won’t kill him at least for another 30 years. And the porn stars won’t kill him (although they will drain him and his wallet). But the “blow” will kill him.

One day he’ll take a big snort or inject a speedball (a combination injection of cocaine and heroin) and like John Belushi and Len Bias, the basketball player, he will grab his chest and die.

His death will save a lot of lives. A lot of young kids who are doing coke now weren’t born or were too young to remember what happened when Len Bias, a promising young basketball player, snorted cocaine at a party and OD’d. It was June 19, 1986. Thousands of people who thought that cocaine was a recreational drug that couldn’t hurt them, completely changed their minds. A lot of people reading this will say, “That’s when I stopped doing drugs.”

That’s the way it will be when Charlie Sheen dies.

His death will be sad because Charlie seems to be a good sort of a guy, but he’s a dead man walking, and what I’m about to propose will piss off a lot of people. But if you wait and take a deep breath and think about it, you’ll agree that my idea would be the best thing that can happen for the memory of Charlie Sheen.

I believe when Sheen reads about my idea, he will be in complete agreement with what I’m about to say.

I propose a national Charlie Sheen OD lottery.

I’m talking about people in this country investing a dollar to see if they can pick the time and the day when Charlie overdoses.

We can use the same lottery machines that you find in stores and gas stations all over America. Someone comes in to buy something—a newspaper, candy, gas, etc. Then they take a dollar or two or three of their change and they say, “Let me have 9:05 p.m. June 14, 2012 on Charlie.” The clerk will ring it up and hand the customer his receipt. When you think about it, the odds are better than the odds on most lotteries.

Personally, I think Charlie will OD in the next two years.

I also propose that we select a great cause to give half of the prize money to, and the rest will go to the winner.

At the low price of a dollar a lottery ticket we can raise as much as 300 to 400 million dollars for a great children’s cause.

Let’s find a real charity, not one of those fake charities where most of the money disappears in some hustler’s pocket.

Let’s not waste the prize money on some “Just say no” or other anti-drug-use projects that in the end don’t seem to work.

Let’s instead give the money to a charity that truly will help kids who are sick and dying.

Let’s give the money to something like the Imus Ranch for Children with Cancer, where 100 percent of the money goes to the kids. Or let’s give the money to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Let’s not let this guy kill himself without some deserving kids benefiting from his death.

Let’s not let Charlie Sheen stick a needle in his vein and die in vain.

If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink,” send your message to jerry@dfjp.com.

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