June is a special month: It’s the one I was born in and the one the sun stays out the longest. I’ve always felt more energetic during the summer, not because of weather but because sunlight shows up by 7 a.m. and doesn’t disappear until after 8 p.m. I remember my eighth-grade Earth Science professor used to claim by turning your lights on every morning you could get that same positive, lively feeling year-round. Oh yeah? Total BS, lady. And sitting on a frigid cold bus at 7 a.m. in January doing your useless homework didn’t help things. Anyway, let’s see if Google Trends is feeling the sunshine vibes.
To Sir With Love—Sounds like a poorly translated title for a James Bond movie, but actually this is the final song from Tuesday night’s Glee season finale. I’ll admit I saw it, it’s a fairly entertaining show and Jane Lynch is hilarious. She plays a heartless cheerleading coach on the show, but in real life she just got married to a woman? She’s a lesbian!? How did I not know that? The same thing happened a few months ago when I found out Wanda Sykes was a lesbian. Anyway, good song, but did anyone see the part where Vocal Adrenaline’s coach adopts Quinn and Puck’s baby 10 minutes after the child is born? That’s not how adoptions work. There is like a four-year waiting list to adopt a baby. That’s not an adoption, it’s a kidnapping.
Freddie Fackelmayer—This guy should be in the news for murdering his parents after they named him Freddie Fackelmayer, but he was on Tuesday’s episode of The City, which means his parents have a free pass to disown and/or murder him.
Fighting Gravity—So the list of related searches for “fighting gravity” includes “Justin Bieber drinking problem,” “Justin Bieber fan club,” and “Justin Bieber loses his temper.” If I weren’t an ethical and diligent reporter, I could string together a pretty fantastic story from those: Justin Bieber, clearly on a day-long bender stemming from his well-documented drinking problem, loses his temper at a fan club meeting. Fortunately, I’m neither ethical nor diligent, so that’s exactly the story we’ll run with.
California Election Results—In the immortal, adlibbed words of the soon-to-be-ex-Governator: EETS NAT AH LOCAL ELECTION! (Although LI’s Meg Whitman won the Rep. primary.)
The Road to Serfdom—As we all know (*checks Wikipedia*), The Road to Serfdom is a 1944 book by Friedrich von Hayek that serves as a pillar to liberalism and libertarianism. Glenn Beck mentioned it on his show in 2010. Maybe it just went on sale in iTunes’ iBookstore. Maybe he found it in a Fox News intern’s bag. (Full disclosure: I don’t know anything about Glenn Beck, but I hear it’s trendy to make fun of him.)
Blank Check—Blank Check! This was one of the best movies of my childhood! A 12-year-old kid gets caught up in a money laundering scheme and winds up with a blank check he writes out to himself for a million bucks. He buys tons of cool stuff like a castle with a waterslide attached to it and a go-kart track (look what $1 million got you back in 1994). Of course the guy who played the main character grew up to become a heavy drug user—the kid was practically an underage Scarface.
Prince Poppycock—This guy should get together with Freddie Fackelmayer and go on a killing spree or something. Prince Poppycock, more or less, is Lady Gaga with a penis (so just regular Lady Gaga) and sang an amazing rendition of “Figaro” on America’s Got Talent. The judges—Sharon Osbourne, Piers Morgan and Howie Mandel—all loved the performance, and I’m sure somewhere former judge David Hasselhoff was debating the merits of it with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. I also learned Fighting Gravity is the name of a wannabe Blue Man Group-like act from AGT. Eh, I like my story better.
Lil Kim Twitter—If you’re like me, you remember Lil Kim for one thing: her outfit at the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards (a purple pantsuit with one breast hanging out, covered only by a sticker) and the subsequent feel that was copped by Diana Ross at the awards podium. Now Tiny Kim is on Trends for calling out another female rapper (there are two?) named Nicki Minaj. Getting to second base with Diana Ross in 1999…Twitter war in 2010…so the next time we hear from Kim will be in a Subway commercial in 2021?
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I forgot to check last night, so at 3:19 p.m. on Wednesday the No. 1 trend on Twitter was #iwonderifsheknows. Really? Holy crap Twitter is pathetic. STOP WONDERING AND ASK HER. Better yet—SHE DOESN’T KNOW BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T CARE.