This morning we happened upon a press release called “God Hates Lady Gaga” announcing a protest against the singer at a Kansas church (see Best Press Release To Ever Grace Our Inbox below). After we spit our coffee everywhere, chuckled a bit, and hung it on our wall, we shook out our keyboard, dug up some of our other favorite quotes from the past year and categorized them for your reading pleasure.
“I don’t know why she would have felt threatened,” tennis pro Serena Williams said after screaming, “I swear to God, I’ll f**king take this ball and shove it down your f**king throat,” at a line judge who called a foot fault against her during the deciding game of the US Open women’s semifinal match.
“Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry I’m not the guy. It just doesn’t fit me. I’m not 20,” said President Barack Obama, defending the pants he wore to throw the first pitch at the MLB All-Star game.
“I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story.” —Lily Allen
“I’d just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses.” —fashion editor Anna Wintour
“Another kid already?” —Sean Penn to ex-wife Madonna about her new boyfriend Jesus Luz
“[Some] will say that f**king a pig is how [my swine flu] was obtained. However, the doctor said my past choices in women have in no way contributed to this.” —Marilyn Manson
“I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though, because he wasn’t before” —Adam Lambert in response to a blog Clay Aiken wrote calling Lambert’s American Idol performance “contrived, awful and slightly frightening.”
“Your people give money with blood on it. I met your people in Las Vegas. None of them have last names. You’re a poker player. A poker player! That’s beyond white trash. , darling, trash.” —Joan Rivers to Annie Duke
Kanye West gets his own category, because, well, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”
“There’s nothing more to be said about music. I’m the f**king end-all, be-all of music.”
“I’m so secure with my manhood. And that’s the reason why I can g
o to Paris, why I can have conversations with people who are blatantly gay. One of the reasons why, the perspective I come from with my raps and my songs, the reason why can’t nobody dis’ me—no gangsta rapper, nobody can really dis’ me—is ’cause it’s so authentic.”
“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
“I penetrate pop culture. I write Broadway-level melodies that transcend any genre.”
“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” West said, stealing the mic from Taylor Swift as she accepted her first MTV Video Music Award, after which President Obama called him a jackass.
“We’re going to be in the Hudson.”—Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, responding to air traffic controllers asking which runway he preferred to land US Airways Flight 1549 before he landed in the Hudson River.
“Every time I go on stage. Instant diarrhea,” —Megan Fox on what scares her.
“I don’t really see the point in washing your hair. If you don’t care if your hair’s clean or not then why would you wash it? It’s like, I don’t clean my apartment ’cause I don’t care. I have my apartment for sleeping in and I have my hair for just, you know, hanging out on my head. I don’t care if it’s clean or not.” —Twilight’s Robert Pattinson
“My mom licked me—that was her punishment. If I was a little uppity or if I didn’t listen or if she wanted to get my attention, she’d lick the side of my face or under my armpit. My mom’s a six-foot-tall amazon and she’d say, ‘’You came out of my vagina and I own every part of you,’’ and she’d lick me like I was her wee pup and she was a lioness. It was humiliating and really intense. Very primal. It’s not spanking, but it definitely works.” —Rosario Dawson
“I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm like a baked good.” —Sarah Jessica Parker on her favorite smell.
“[I pee in the shower.] Anyone who says they don’t is lying.” —Kelly Clarkson
“I want to thank God for somehow … I know he perfect. So I’mma thank him for everything. I’mma thank him for making me drop out of school. I’mma thank him for making me run the streets. I’mma thank him for making me sell crack. I’mma thank him for making me have shoot-outs. I’mma thank him for allowing me to watch my partners die in my arms, So I’d be fearful enough for my life and paranoid enough to go out and cop machine guns and silencers so I catch a fed case and I have to put up $3 million for my bond so I have to spend seven months of my life in my house, so I have to spend a year of my life in prison just so I be validated enough to get out there and touch the youth because they know that I done been through it, and if I say it, it means something,” Rapper T.I. announced at the Hip Hop Inaugural Ball. “You know what I’m sayin’?”
“My lowest point was Christmas Day 2008, because I didn’t speak to my family. My walls were covered in scrawlings of lyrics and cocaine bags nailed to the wall. And every time I called her that day—I called 158 times—I took a razor blade and I cut myself on my face or on my hands.” —Marilyn Manson on his breakup with Evan Rachel Wood
“My temper is ridiculously bad. I’ve had to say to Brian, ‘You have to go and stop talking to me, because I’m going to kill you. I’m going to stab you with something, please leave,’ I’d never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn’t shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure.”—Megan Fox on her temper
“So when I was beating the guy, I started thinking, ‘What if I was Hannah Montana?’ And little do they know that that’s why I look so insane. I’m torturing myself with thoughts of, ‘How could I actually pull off being a high school student and a pop star at night?’” —Inglourious Basterds star Eli Roth, revealing the inspiration for his character.
“I’m looking forward to getting together and having some quiet prayer meetings with Britney,” —Nicole Scherzinger on the Pussycat Dolls opening for Britney Spears on tour.
“I had a stalker while filming a movie in Spain last year. She stood outside of my apartment every day for weeks—all day every day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her. I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back. People get bored of me in, like, two minutes.”—Robert Pattinson
“I have only two passions: space exploration and hip-hop” —Buzz Aldrin jokes
“I am delighted and honored that my breasts and I were able to play a role in helping this freedom fighter achieve so many of his goals” —Pamela Anderson on Hugh Hefner
“What does it take to look like me? Not much. I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t have a skincare program. I have no dermatologist and no cosmetic surgeon. Nothing’s been shot into this face.” —Pamela Anderson
“Does make up run? I’ve never worn makeup before.”—Jon Gosselin’s post-Kate girlfriend Hailey Glassman, the 22-year-old daughter of a plastic surgeon, while she cries over her bad image on The Insider.
“The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius.” —Lindsay Lohan’s mom, Dina
“I am truly not one to give advice. I’m divorced and I stole my best friend’s husband.” —Denise Richards, when asked if she had any post-jail advice for Paris Hilton
“I basically read every book ever written about Marilyn Monroe. I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I’m a borderline personality—or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is.” —Megan Fox
“I had Botox and I hated it. For four long months, I looked like a different person. It almost brought down the whole production of the last tour. It was so bad, I would look into the mirror and burst into tears. Botox is becoming the new face of beauty and it’s unfortunate because it makes everybody look like Satan’s children. Everybody has pointed eyebrows. Everybody looks related. All the Desperate Housewives look like sisters. If you’re an unattractive girl who’s trying to be beautiful with Botox, forget it. If you are a beautiful girl who’s trying to be beautiful with Botox, you will look like you’re angry all the time. You’d have to tie me down to get me to do it again.” —Stevie Nicks
“I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a nine-year-old, saying my prayers and asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back I wouldn’t be able to see my feet. Eventually that request was granted. A bit of divine intervention displays the power of prayer!” —Katy Perry
Lady Gaga gets her own category because, well, like us, she’s slightly off kilter, and we appreciate that. And as the only reason we bother flipping through mainstream radio before we plug in the iPod, she deserves it.
“Some artists want your money so they can buy Range Rovers and diamond bracelets, but I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I want your soul.”
My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says, “I can see you, because you have no pants on’ So I’ll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me.”
When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condom-less sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time.”
“I’m clearly not ugly.” —Megan Fox
“Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you.” —Oprah
“We’re talking about Mariah Carey. Of course she loves to hear herself.” —Nick Cannon
“[The media] try to paint the picture that I was this downtrodden, ugly girl who was unpopular in school and in life, and then I got this role and now I’m awesome. But the truth is that I’ve been awesome, and then I got this role.” —Actress Gabourey Sidibe, star of Precious.
“You want me to tell you what my husband thinks? My husband is not Secretary of State. I am. You ask my opinion. I’ll tell you my opinion. I’m not going to channel my husband,” Hillary Clinton warned a student who asked her “What does Mr. Clinton think, through the mouth of Mrs. Clinton.” The student had meant to say “Mr. Obama.”
“What’s up London!” — Britney Spears addressing audience at her show in Manchester
“I”ve called David Beckham, Sir Paul McCartney, Hell, I want to get the whole of the Beatles to help me get back in” —Snoop Dogg says about the Beatles, two of whom are dead, after being banned from the UK due to prior convictions
“Hello, Ohio!!” Bruce Springsteen proclaimed to his Michigan audience.
“I remember being 17 years old, up for my first MTV award with Destiny’s Child and it was one of the most exciting moments of my life, so I’d like for Taylor to come out and have her moment.” —Beyonce, declining to give a speech after winning Video of the Year, instead handing over the mic to Taylor Swift, who had her speech interrupted by Kanye West earlier in the show.
THE BAD ADVICE
“I love cigarettes. Love them. I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is.” —Actress Sienna Miller.
“I’ve always said that I would like to be president—it’s kind of my whole thing. Maybe 2040,” Nick Jonas told CNN.
“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now if she weren’t my mother.” —Shia LaBeouf
“She has not only got a grand piano with—I swear to God—maybe a thousand pictures of herself, but I was in the bathroom, and there were pictures of her everywhere. I’m just trying to pee and there’s just f**king Paris.”—Courtney Love on Paris Hilton
“[Amy is] fantastic, fantastic. Her boobs are great as well. I shouldn’t have said that, should I?—Mitch, Amy Winehouse‘s dad talking about his daughter’s breast enhancement surgery.
“It’s Gordon … Gordon Ramsay?” —Paris Hilton, asked to name Britain’s Prime Minister.
“I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.”—Carrie Prejean
“I don’t eat that” —Paris Hilton on Swine Flu
“I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they’d never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it’s just sickening to him … How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body… how most women are suicidal sometimes on it.” —Heidi Montag
“God hates ‘Lady’ Gaga. ‘Art’ and ‘fashion’ are the euphemisms, the guise under which proud whore Lady Gaga teaches rebellion against God (incidentally, her claim to the title of “Lady” is sound only if she tacks on ‘of the night.’ Thereby alluding to another euphemism for what she is. As much as she’d like to pretend otherwise, there’s nothing new or different about this particular hussy’s pretentious prancing. Does the simple slut truly think that she can change God’s standards by seducing a generation of rebels into joining her in fist-raised, stiff-necked, hard-hearted rebellion against him? You’re going to hell.” —Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas, arranging a protest against Lady Gaga.
And we thought God didn’t hate anyone…