Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson spent the last minutes of 2008 hosting a New Year’s Eve bash in Miami, throwing blows and everything else they came in contact with. And we thank them, because they laid the foundation for some of the most ridiculous and entertaining celebrity battles of the year.
After calling Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas “fugly “ and “tranny” for the bazillionth time, gossip blogger Perez Hilton got punched in the face by the bands manager, Polo Molina, at the Much Music Awards in Toronto. He tweeted for police help, and later made a video of himself crying and calling Will.i.am “a disgusting human being.” Lots of drama. The end. Violence is never the answer kids.
Being the good Christians they are, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt decided to pick a fight with Al Roker, after the weatherman supposedly asked Heidi “rude questions” and told Spencer he was “a jerk” on the Today show. Heidi said, “This weather guy was definitely out of line, and he should stick to predicting cloudy days.” Roker responded, “By putting [Heidi and Spencer] on, we are playing into their evil plot for world domination.” Soon after, the E! network banned all talk of Heidi and her hubby, after 94 percent of fans replied “yes” when asked if they’d had enough of Speidi. “Barring any actual news (e.g. she gets knocked up, he falls off a cliff or —heaven help us—her album goes to No. 1), consider this their very last post,” the network said.
Eminem, or as Nick Cannon would call him “Slim Lamey,” wants Mariah Carey back, which was news to us since we didn’t know they ever dated. Mimi denies it, but Slim claims they were together for six months back in 2001, and his song “Bagpipes From Baghdad” targeted Mimi’s younger half, telling him to “back up” and Mariah, “I want another crack at cha, you can beat me with any spatula that you want.” Ah, love. Mimi fired back by dressing up like Eminem, sporting a familiar hoodie and goatee and dedicated her song “Obsessed” to him. Everyone’s favorite white rapper then released “The Warning,” a few minutes of whatever it is he does, threatening Mimi and her marital hood ornament.
During the 2009 Miss USA Pageant, the openly gay “Queen of all Media” Perez Hilton asked Miss California, Carrie Prejean, her thoughts on gay marriage, and the contestant answered, “I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman.” Hilton launched a campaign against her and Prejean got more press than the actual winner of the pageant, Kristen Dalton, especially after her fake boobs and nude photos became the talk of the town, she was stripped of her title and her solo sex tape went public.
After riling up the boys of Radiohead for insisting on a personal meet-and-greet with the band at a concert, Miley Cyrus got ripped apart on national radio by comedian Jamie Foxx. When someone called in to Foxx’s radio show, and mentioned the Radiohead incident, Foxx said, “Who is Miley Cyrus?” Then remembered. “The gums! She’s got to get a gum transplant. Let me get an order of mouth, light on teeth, heavy on the gums.”
Perez Hilton tweeted from the audience of Criss Angel’s Vegas show to his half-million-plus followers around the world that the show was “unbelievably BAD!” and “I would rather be getting a root canal.” Criss got word and called out “I have to recognize someone special here in the house, Perez Hilton please stand up…We have the worlds biggest douchebag a**hole in the house.” Hilton gave a big smile and replied, “Thanks for the free tickets!”
An extremely edited version of Charm School aired on VH-1 but it wasn’t disappointing. After Megan Hauserman hates on Ozzy, calling him “a brain dead rock star” and just before head mistress Sharon Osbourne chucks juice in her face, the Princess of Darkness calmly states “I don’t think you should be allowed to breed, my dear.”
Melissa and Joan Rivers vs. Annie Duke and Brande Roderick
Melissa and Joan Rivers let loose on Celebrity Apprentice. Both stormed out while yelling a barrage of obscenities at poker player Annie Duke and Playboy model Brande Roderick after the duo got Melissa fired. Joan compared her daughter losing to Duke, who Melissa referred to as “a whore pit viper” to those who commit genocide.
American Idol runner up Adam Lambert had some words to deliver to Clay Aiken in response to a blog Aiken wrote calling Lambert’s performance “contrived, awful and slightly frightening. “ Lambert responded, “I’m glad he’s getting headlines now though because he wasn’t before.”
“My grandmother is basically blind, but she can make out the lighter parts, like my skin and hair. She says,’I can see you, because you have no pants on.’ So I’ll continue to wear no pants so that my grandma can see me,” said Lady Gaga explaining why she doesn’t wear pants.
“Um, you guys said that we, um, did this for the show,” said Falcon Heene, during an interview on CNN about his parents’ balloon hoax on Oct. 15.
“I am delighted and honored that my breasts and I were able to play a role in helping this freedom fighter acheive so many of his goals,” Pamela Anderson said about Hugh Hefner, being completely serious.
“I’ve called David Beckham, Sir Paul McCartney, Hell, I want to get the whole of the Beatles to help me get back in,” says Snoop Dogg about all four of the Beatles, those dead and alive, after being banned from the UK due to prior convictions.
“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother” Shia LaBeouf told Playboy.
“I don’t eat that,” Paris Hilton told a photographer who asked if she was worried about getting Swine Flu.
“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you and I’ll let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” the ever arrogant Kanye West said, after stealing the microphone away from Taylor Swift mid-speech as she accepted her first MTV Video Music Award for Best Female Video, beating out Beyonce for the win. Even President Obama called him a “jackass.”
After TMZ broke the news that Michael Jackson had died, Google crashed, and the Internet stood still, making him the most Googled celebrity of the year. But the most title of most Googled Image goes to Lady Gaga, whose crazy outfits/art installations grabbed the title away from 2008 winner Kim Kardashian.
The Gosselins are officially divorced, yada yada. He cheated, she cheated. Who cares. The disturbing part of the whole ordeal was the national obsession with Kate Gosselin’s reverse mullet. The reality star said her stylist gets calls from women all over the country trying to copy her party in the front, business in the back hairdo. Coming in a close second, merely because she seems to have faded into the background, at least for now, is Octomom Nadya Suleman. We don’t want to talk about her. Moving on…
Justin Timberlake netted more than $9 million for the Shriners Hospital for Children. Following close behind was Angelina Jolie, Pamela Anderson, Bono, Oprah, Madonna, Rihanna andGeorge Clooney.
Singer Chris Brown surrendered to police after biting and beating girlfriend Rihanna in a rented Lamborghini on their way home from a pre-Grammy gala in LA.
Heroes actress Hayden Panetteire, became the new official sponsor of the aha moment this year, after sporting a pretty big vertical tattoo going down the left side of her back reading “vivere senza rimipianti,” which, loosely translated, means “live without regrets.” Well, that’s what it would mean if “rimpianti” was supposed to have that extra “I” thrown in there.
Courtney Love just lost custody of her daughter, probably because of tweets like these: “e with silver! ;pts and ;lots of ei;ver o ;ovethe onme you macdefor me so much i could CRY amd shri,ptom whats up i wnt my Upcycle!” Amy Winehouse got it on with a hotel Santa Claus and performed on the flying trapeze in St. Lucia. This one is too close to call.
Even President Obama, who is dealing with the worst economy in decades, terrorism, and at the very least, redecorating the Lincoln bedroom, spoke out about a picture of Jessica Simpson performing in horrible high-waisted jeans at a Chili Festival that made her weight gain front page news, while Miley Cyrus took creepy gothic half nude pictures for the cover of Vanity Fair magazine–with her dad.
Best Freak Out
“Shut the f– up, Bruce!” shouted an enraged Christian Bale, delivering one of 36 F-bombs to a crew member who walked in during the filming of Terminator Salvation.
The formerly squeaky clean pro golfer Tiger Woods lost endorsements and went into hiding after his numerous affairs were made public and his wife attacked him with a golf club.
Susan Boyle became famous overnight after a YouTube video of her shocking Britain’s Got Talent audition went global.
Justin Bieber was forced to cancel an appearance at Roosevelt Field Mall after thousands of teen girls rioted and trampled each other trying to get a front row view.
For the first time in a decade Whitney Houston appears drug-free, and most importantly—Bobby free.
They say these things happen in threes–not this year. Unexpectedly, strangely—or just too early, we said goodbye to Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, DJ AM, Natasha Richardson, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Danny Gans, John Hughes, Brittany Murphy and Avenged Sevenfold drummer James Owen Sullivan.
2010, we’re ready.