Pancakes are not my favorite breakfast food. Not even top three—that’s comprised of eggs, french toast and Jell-o shots. “But Brad, eggs are so boring and high in cholesterol! How can they beat out pancakes?” you say. First of all, shut up. This is my column, and I only get a half page, plus images, plus the awesome “NBN” logo. Second of all, eggs can be cooked so many different ways—scrambled, over light, poached, in an omelet, with STEAK—if they bore you, you’re not trying hard enough. Third, if you’re worried about the cholesterol in eggs, you should probably stop eating fried chicken dipped in ice cream for dinner. A pancake is cake, shaped like a disc. I think they’re delicious; I just don’t want cake drenched in syrup/diabetes for breakfast. But they are really good for making funny sculptures out of, and The Pancake Project collects the best to view/salivate over. And that’s something! Right, pancake lovers? Aww, don’t cry—wait, that’s the meat sweats. Did you order a side of sausage?
Making a Robin Hood movie right now seems like a great idea; it centers on a character who closely mimics present day. He rides a horse—those get great gas mileage! He wears a green tunic with some metal studs—available at Hot Topic and a great way to look fabulous this winter! And he steals from the rich and gives to the poor, something our government and president could learn a thing or trillion from—middle class, am I right? (*stands on soapbox*) Unfortunately, the trailer hardly shows any of those things. Instead, it shows lots of dark scenery in sloooooow motiooooooon, which is fine, but makes the trailer seem like a commercial for a fancy video camera. Robin Hood stars Russell Crowe and is directed by Ridley Scott, so if you guessed the movie will be full of shouting and run about 45 minutes too long, pat yourself on the back Captain Obvious. I heard in the climaxing scene, Crowe meets the Sheriff of Nottingham on a hill and throws a cell phone at him, with backing score provided by a 700-piece orchestra. Epic.
People who celebrate Christmas have so many options when it comes to decorating for the holidays. The aforementioned lighting arrangements which, in addition to small children, are a favorite of animals, like rabbits and piranhas. The decorative trees, which can be so festive it’s hard to tell if they’re real or fake (unlike Tara Reid’s boobs. Double spoiler alert—those things are less believable than a fat guy sliding down every chimney on Earth). Wreaths, garland, reindeer, stockings; the list never ends. It seems like the Jewish community doesn’t get much to work with—the menorah is really the only Hanukkah decoration that can be customized, but the options extend into the stratosphere. Made of Star Wars characters? May the farkakte be with you! Protruding from a wine bottle? As the Black Eyed Peas would say, l’chaim! (They’re obviously Jewish, so that’s not offensive). Covered in Mel Gibson photos? Oh man, he is going to be so pissed when he finds out!
Christmas is almost here, and you know what that means. Last-minute shopping for Uncle Remus. Fighting with people who drive 47-passenger Volvo SUVs for a parking spot at Walt Whitman (“But they’re so safe!”). Struggling to fit into that sweater my grandma bought me last year because I only see her once a year, but I can’t fit into it, because I ate a bunch of Christmas cookies and candy canes while I was decorating the tree (that’s what New Year’s resolutions are for). Most of all, breaking out the advent calendar means hitting the local mall to get a pic with Santa. Those don’t always go well, but whose fault is that? The kids’? You try being told to sit on some creepy fat old man’s lap and fake a smile. The Santa’s? Those guys are out of a job for the next 11 months—what do they have to smile about? No, I blame the parents. It’s always their fault. (*Thinks about childhood, cries*)
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Our resident green expert Jax Gallucci found a company that makes ornaments with your Twitter name on them. And I think they are made from hemp and old soda bottles. If you want an “@BradPareso” bulb for your tree, send me a check for $500. I…work for them…