I often receive frantic telephone calls from parents who are struggling with their children’s challenging behaviors. It is important for parents to understand that the social, emotional, and behavioral problems presented by children are usually developmentally typical. Parents often get fixated on a specific problem or event and although they may be angry or upset about their children, many times they end up angry and upset at themselves. Parents will say, “I was so angry that I lost control of myself and overreacted.”
When you have children, you begin a “race.” As a parent, you need to decide what kind of “race” you are going to run. You can run a very fast sprint which is over in a flash or you can pace yourself for a long marathon. Some of this is the wisdom of perspective that is acquired after you have your first child. Parents are usually anxious, worried and overwhelmed by every cough and burp. With successive children, parents begin to realize that they need to look at their children with a longer perspective in mind. You and your child will get through this painful episode, and you will continue to love each other. But what have you learned?
Parents need to listen to their children and recognize that they cannot make an issue out of everything, and they cannot win every battle. There are times when children need to make their own mistakes and face the consequences of environmental criticism or failure. Stepping in to save your child and protect him from experiencing the results of his behavior does not allow him to learn to be independent. Allowing children to make choices teaches them personal responsibility. For some children, the freedom of choice can provide a powerful lesson and lead to a great deal of discussion between parents and children. “You make the decision, you own the result.” Sometimes it is more strategic for parents to approach a situation by telling children that decisions carry consequences and that as a parent, you are available in a supportive role to provide helpful “advice.”
Running a sprint race creates a great deal of pressure to run the race fast-win or lose. The marathon has both fast and slow periods with an awareness that there is a long road ahead. With children, there are many lessons to be learned by children and parents separately as well as together. The best advice for parents is to listen to their children and figure out a solution which is the least intrusive because children have their own marathon to learn. The most effective parents are authoritative and not authoritarian. Parents who discuss issues and acknowledge that there is room for negotiation will always experience the parenting role as more satisfying and enjoyable. Children who have parents who discuss rather than decide learn to negotiate solutions and explain their choices. There are not too many times when things are so serious and problems are so traumatic that parents need to find either a hospital or a psychiatrist. Most of the time, there are the typical and usual “catastrophes followed by drama.” When you listen to your children, you respect their developing independence and you enjoy them for the thinking and creative people that they are learning to become.