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Nothing But Net: For the Week of Aug. 20 – Aug. 26


TRAILER

Law Abiding Citizen


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Nobody roots for the bad guy in movies. Whether it’s Jack Torrance from The Shining (hair was too greasy), Darth Vader (can’t stand people with asthma) or Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic (our definitions of a “bad guy” might differ a little). But Gerard Butler in Law Abiding Citizen? Oh F yeah. In Citizen, Butler’s wife and kids are murdered, but one of the killers is given a light sentence by Jamie Foxx for testifying against the other. So Butler abides by the law and starts killing everyone. They could make Gerard Butler foam hands with guns in them and T-shirts that say “Abide By THIS Law” with a middle finger and I would parade around in the stuff. And then Bruce Willis could follow me around shouting “Yippie Ki Yay, Mothereffer!” Law Abiding Citizen chose to come out on Oct. 16 because that’s how it rolls. (Discussion Topic: Would Law Abiding Citizen be better/worse if starred Leonidas and Ray?)

PICTURES

Drunk Pets

There have always been questions about the U.S.’s legal drinking age being set at 21—is it too high, is it too low, why do I have to go to jail when I thought she looked old enough to drink and she said she just forgot her ID, etc., etc. But maybe a better issue to look at is the drinking age among animals. I mean, what animals live to see their 21st birthday? All I can think of are turtles and alligators and they both remind me of cranky old people that shake their walkers at teenagers and call them “youngsters.” We need legislation shoved through Congress so little critters like the ones in these pictures don’t get filled with cheap booze and made to do inappropriate things. Before you know it, there’ll be advertisements for Ferrets Gone Wild and hamsters sending in convos to TextsFromLastNight.com. Don’t rabbits procreate enough without making drunken mistakes? Come on here, I don’t think PETA stands for Please Enjoy The Alcohol.

VIDEOS

Between Two Ferns

zach

Full disclosure: I still haven’t seen The Hangover. Blame it on busy weekends (not true—I have no life) or disloyal friends (not true—I don’t have any) or whatever, but at this point I’ll probably just watch it on DVD when a review copy comes to the Press office. However, I do know who Zach Galifinakis Galifanakis Galifianakis is, and he is hilarious. His delivery is absolutely deadpan, as if he was doing stand-up in front of his father’s casket while his mom lies in a hospital bed or something. Between Two Ferns is Galifragilistic’s Web interview series and contains equal amounts of inappropriate, disrespectful and hilarious dialogue. The five episodes so far have guests like Natalie Portman, Mad Men’s Jon Hamm and Hangover costar Bradley Cooper. Galifignewton’s questions are flat-out offensive, and the look on his bearded face when his guests respond means that even on mute, these things are painfully funny.

TRAILER

Legion

If I could actually wear a foam hand and T-shirt declaring my love of Law Abiding Citizen’s badassness, I’d wear a hat with a picture of Paul Bettany, two uzis and a speech bubble that said “I’m about to make you hole-y…WITH BULLETS.” In Legion, God loses faith in humanity and sends his angels to wipe out everyone (even the Pope? Can you say PLOT HOLE?). Bettany, as the archangel Michael, flies down to Earth and wages war against them while protecting a woman pregnant with the second coming of Christ. Dennis Quaid is also in it, as is that chick from Grey’s Anatomy and those Cadillac commercials about how a car should turn you on. Hey Chick—do you know what a car should do? It should get me from Point A to Point B, and if you’re in the passenger seat, all the better. But God help you if we get a flat tire because YOU’RE changing it. Psh. Women. Am I right? (*Slaps hands with male friends*)

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Interesting fact: When Brett Favre announced his unretirement (again), The name “Farve” was higher on the trending topics list than “Favre.” What’s the moral of story? Twitter is full of idiots. But not me! Hang with the nerds over at twitter.com/BradPareso.

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